April Fools: How to be the ultimate indie bro in 5 simple steps

An+indie+boy+sits+on+the+couch+and+ponders+the+fact+that+Tame+Impala+is+actually+just+one+guy.

Collegian | Mandy Error

An indie boy sits on the couch and ponders the fact that Tame Impala is actually just one guy March 29.

Mandy Error, your ex

Editor’s NoteThis is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Do you listen to super underground music like The Strokes and Mac DeMarco? Do you amaze your Tinder dates with a cover of “Wonderwall”? Do women leave you because you are just too nice of a guy? Well, you may be an indie bro.

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Being an indie bro is quite hard. It takes a lot of work to look like you haven’t slept in weeks and don’t know how to use a washing machine. But don’t worry — we’ve got you covered.  You too can be an indie bro in a few simple steps. 

1. Roll up that beanie

The first step to being the ultimate indie bro is not that difficult: All you need is a beanie. Then you will need to roll up that beanie until it barely stays on your head. Now you look super cool. For extra points, tuck a few cigarettes in there. 

2. Rock the denim

Step two is also quite simple. All you need is a worn-out pair of jeans — be sure to buy them that way. Then you have two options: For winter, cuff those bad boys. It needs to look like you are expecting a flood in the next 20 minutes. Roll them all the way past the ankles.

In the summer, take a pair of scissors and cut off the bottom half of the jeans. Now you have the perfect pair of shorts. These will be the only bottoms you wear all summer long.

3. Master your scent 

Now, this part is incredibly important. A fake indie bro can be smelled from miles away. Getting the perfect scent is essential. First, make sure to only rinse when you shower. If you own a loofa, throw it away. Do not wash your hair more than every other week; otherwise, the scent of cigarettes and weed will fade. 

Do not wash your favorite clothing either. That flannel you wear every day smells completely fine. Lastly, take this stink and cover it with Old Spice deodorant. 

An indie boy poses after listening to "The Less I Know The Better" for the tenth time in an hour.
An indie boy poses after listening to “The Less I Know The Better” by Tame Impala for the 10th time in an hour March 29. (Collegian | Mandy Error )

4. Learn the guitar

I know this sounds hard, but you can do it. The nice thing is you only need to learn about five chords. Then you need to get some of your buddies together and start a “band.” You don’t need to practice or play any shows. This is simply for your Tinder bio. 

The trick is to act super talented and like you are about to become famous at all times — no talent or fame actually required. However, if a woman asks, you are days away from becoming the next big star, and they are insane for not falling in love with you.

5. Go to parties and events

Attending the hottest events is also essential for the indie bro. Make sure to check beforehand if the party will have a guitar or ukulele there. If not, you will need to bring your own. Parties are a great place to show everyone how cool you are. 

Before you whip out the guitar, make sure everyone is educated on your favorite underground music. Take over the aux and give everyone a quick lesson on how Tame Impala is only one guy — I promise everyone will be shocked by your deep musical knowledge. 

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Happy indie bro-ing!

Reach Pirate of the Collegian Mandy Error at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @maddyerskine_.