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April Fools’: Amy Parsons’ private jet emissions outdo Taylor Swift’s

April+Fools%3A+Amy+Parsons+private+jet+emissions+outdo+Taylor+Swifts
Collegian | Iguana Secret

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

President Amy Parsons has been largely embraced by the Colorado State University community. Within her first 18 months at the university, she’s represented CSU well, even traveling the world to show off that fighting Ram spirit.

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Her wanderlust, however, has come at a cost. A new study from the Department of Women-Hating Environmentalists has found that Parsons’ private jet use has had an environmental impact higher than that of Taylor Swift, the former most notable subject of their research.

“It’s appalling just how much CO2 comes from these frivolous trips,” said Charles Hippocrates, lead researcher on the study. “Really, it is the only thing stopping us from lowering the global temperature and reversing the effects of climate change. Nothing else will do the job, and they know it.”

Hippocrates was inspired to investigate Parsons after it became clear his department would not be featured on Parsons’ Instagram. Astutely noticing her well-documented trip around the world while scrolling past posts about athletics in envy, Hippocrates began to develop a hypothesis.

He suspected that Parsons was acting against CSU’s value of sustainability by purposefully polluting the planet, potentially making her solely responsible for climate change.

“Parsons’ freakish commonalities with Swift really brought her to our attention,” Hippocrates’ assistant Miles Males said. “There’s a direct correlation between ‘girlboss’ and mass polluter. She came across as too perfect, and in mass polluters, that’s a key trait.”

Hippocrates and Males were drawn to the department after being politely rejected by their crushes in the third grade. The emotional damage was so great, they dedicated their lives to studying women in power, determined to find a connection to world destruction. Once the department secured funding from ExxonMobil and Monsanto, Hippocrates and Males were able to explore their theory.

Through an intensive study of social media posts, instances of fashionable fits worn and analysis of Parsons’ blondness, the pair was then able to introduce an average of private jet emissions to the data set and removed all accomplishments and qualifications Parsons holds from consideration. Through this scientific method, they were able to determine that Amy Parsons’ 11-day work trip is solely responsible for all carbon emissions ever.

“In a way, it’s a relief,” Males told The Collegina via video call from his second home in Aspen. “It means that all our concerns about oil extraction, capitalism, development, illegal dumping and melting ice caps are totally unfounded.”

The Office of the President responded clarifying that Parsons flew coach with United Airlines using former CSU President Tony Frank’s miles because, “Who here can afford first class, let alone a freaking private jet?” However, Hippocrates and Males hold to their findings, calling Parsons’ response “fake news” and a result of her being “PR trained to hell.”

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DOWHE disclosure: DOWHE is funded by Big Oil and Men Against Girlboss Blondes. DOWHE hires exclusively men who have experienced rejection from childhood crushes or have divorced parents, as these traumas are indicators of misunderstood good guys who will save the world by blaming women succeeding in male-dominated fields.

Reach Iguana Secret at science@collegian.com or on Twitter @IvySecrest.

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