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April Fools’: ASCSU scraps democracy in favor of astrological decisions

April+Fools%3A+ASCSU+scraps+democracy+in+favor+of+astrological+decisions
Collegian | Academic Proulxbation

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In a move that shocked all 14 of the unaffiliated students who pay attention to student government, the Associated Students of Colorado State University announced they will no longer be operating under the democratic electoral philosophy that has guided their processes since their inception.

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ASCSU is particularly well known for their dramatic disagreements, but things have gotten noticeably worse in recent weeks, which is understandable, given that Mercury is in retrograde. This has resulted in a bill that sought to squash the cat-fighting in senate and force senators to actually make decisions via the ever-reliable science of astrology.

Clearly, the very serious and passionate students of ASCSU are fed up because they voted to expedite the legislation and debate it right then and there. 

The bill is unlike any put forth in the organization in recent years and calls for the cancelation of the current elections and all elections moving forward; the complete abandonment of the voting process; and the hiring of a professional astrologer to guide their decision-making process. Deliberation went on through Wednesday night and even into Thursday morning.

Finally, when all in attendance were hardly able to keep their eyes open, a consensus was reached. The bill passed with support from many an exhausted senator and will be sent to the president for signature, though he has sworn to veto — a promise entirely unsurprising to anyone familiar with the fact that President Nick DeSalvo is a Libra.

This development is particularly concerning for the ASCSU president given that it would bring an unfortunately immediate end to his ongoing reelection campaign. When asked for his thoughts on the bill, DeSalvo expressed disappointment with the vote to pass. 

“I think it’s unfortunate to see such a passionate group lose faith in one of the pillars of our society,” DeSalvo said. “If the bill does come to my desk, you can be sure I’ll veto it.”

DeSalvo is not the only person for which the stars have decidedly not aligned. His running mate, Chief of Staff Braxton Dietz (Aries); opposing presidential candidates Director of Health Jorja Whyte (Capricorn) and Speaker Pro Tempore Claudia Paraiso (Aquarius); and opposing vice presidential candidates Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Leticia Madrigal-Tapia (Scorpio) and Speaker of the Senate Ava Ayala (Virgo) are also all currently scrambling to halt their campaigns while they wait to see what happens.

What’s most intriguing is the call for the immediate hiring of a professional astrologer. The goal of this is to streamline the decision-making process, submitting to the cosmos and hopefully fixing the internal culture of animosity in the organization (looking at you, Geminis, who make up 54% of the organization).

In classic earth sign fashion, Whyte and Ayala don’t believe in astrology and have threatened to quit should they have to answer to an astrologer. They also voiced concern over diverting funds from an already worrisomely depleted pool of funding. The bill calls for a full salary for the professional astrologer, who will also serve as their official advisor — it’s about time, given they’ve been operating off the rails for months without one.

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Paraiso and Dietz released a statement saying, “We are not concerned about the money. Who can put a price on stability?”

It should be noted Dietz is an Aries and Paraiso is a Aquarius, and stability isn’t exactly in those chart descriptions.

Madrigal-Tapia would have commented, but the questions were personal, and as a Scorpio, her mysterious facade is much more important than a silly statement.

If DeSalvo doesn’t change his mind — Libra men, ugh — and vetoes the bill, it will go back to the senate for an override vote, which several senators have promised is a lock. 

If the bill goes through, as it likely will, we can all look forward to our hard-earned student fees being used to fund what appears to be an expensive political horoscope — something The Collegina provides for free. See page 15.

Regardless of how one may feel about astrology and the complete disregard for democratic philosophy, there’s one thing that’s for sure: This election if it happens at all is sure to be the most chaotic one yet.

Reach Honoria Publicae at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @hannahparcells.

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