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April Fools’: Psychology undergraduates now required to provide counseling services

April+Fools%3A+Psychology+undergraduates+now+required+to+provide+counseling+services
Collegian | Academic Proulxbation

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The department of psychology at Colorado State University has announced today that, amid mental health support staff shortages within the CSU Health Network, all undergraduate psychology students will be required to provide counseling to students if they wish to graduate.

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“We just don’t want to spend the money it takes to pay grad students for clinical hours,” said Frigmund Seud, head of the psychology department. “And we promised CSU Athletics more money for tutoring athletes.”

However, many are confused by this announcement, too.

“Aren’t psych students the ones who need therapy the most?” said Suzy Phrenia, a senior civil engineering student at CSU speaking to The Collegina.

The psychology department is known to fill its student population with mentally ill high school graduates who want to know why they are messed up. While you may think PSY 100: General Psychology is all the knowledge you’ll need, Phrenia contests this is far from true.

“I quit after one session,” Phrenia said. “The patient started to contemplate the meaning of life, and I left worse off.”

The Collegina confronted Seud about the policy.

“It’s sort of a ‘kill two birds with one stone’ method,” Seud said. “We fill the need for mental health services, and in turn, it is so bad that fewer students need mental health services than before our program started. We call that a success.”

We reached out to the graduate workers’ union, but the overworked students couldn’t spare time this week for an interview.

Seud reached out to Sarah Noia, dean of the department of human development, and family studies to ask for help with this endeavor.

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“Unrelated to what Gen Z says, I was actually too stunned to speak,” Noia said. The HDFS department will not be joining psychology.

I had a roommate who I’m 99.99% sure was a psychopath,” said Addie H. Dee, a first-year psychology student. “So I know, like, everything about what it’s like to live with a psychopath.”

The undergraduate students seem to have taken the job title a little too seriously, though.

I didn’t think I’d get immediate practical clinical experience — it’s only my second semester!” an enthusiastic Dee said. “No other school has opportunities like this!”

For everyone who is alarmed by first-year students practicing therapy, Bill Polar, a psychology student, offered comforting information on his training.

None of my friends passed PHIL 110: Logic and Critical Thinking,” Polar said. “But I, like, almost passed, so that seems like a pretty good indication that I’m a deep thinker who has a lot to share with the world.”

The Collegina finally got to interview Polar after getting through Pete Estee, whose sessions tend to run long.

I can’t wait to share all of the advice I have,” Estee said. “I love giving advice. Plus, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so I’m perfect for this job.”

Therapists around Fort Collins are preparing for how many people will need to undergo professional therapy after experiencing these student-led sessions.

“I think it will cause long-lasting harm to people’s mental health,” said Alberta Bandura, a local therapist. “It will only compound the mental health crisis we have in the area.”

The Collegina asked Seud if the psychology department was pressured into this decision by anybody. But rest at ease: His girlfriend, Bandura, replied for him, stating, “No.”

Reach Academic Proulxbation and Gennevieve Dressmann at science@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.

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