Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Horoscopes can be applied to your sun, moon and rising signs!
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Dear stars,
This week has a spooky vibe to it already, doesn’t it? But since you all enjoy the horoscopes, I’ll gladly share my insights!
With a dash of mischief,
A Sagittarius Moon
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Uh oh, Aries! This week does not seem to be on your side! Be careful on your way to the Rec Center, as mischievous squirrels may be lurking around, ready to steal your workout equipment! But hey, laughter is the best medicine, so feel free to find a bit of humor in this situation!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Hey there, Taurus! I advise you to stay out of cooking and baking this week! You could end up burning your cookies and everything you make! I know this is unfortunate, but fear not! Embrace the chaos because we all know you thrive when life throws unexpected challenges your way!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Did you accidentally wear your shirt inside out today, Gemini? Well, consider this as a sneak peek of the cosmic chaos headed your way this week! Wardrobe malfunctions will be a common theme you’ll experience! From mismatched socks to backward buttons, the universe has you shaking up your style! But don’t worry, you’ll still look pretty cool!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Hey, Cancer! As bizarre as it sounds, rumor has it that you might stumble across an abandoned UFO this week! Apparently, the aliens have been planning to fire it up, sing campfire songs and roast marshmallows! You are welcome to join them if you wish!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
A leprechaun is on its way to you this week, making life a little weird! Don’t be surprised if you find your morning cup of coffee transforming into a cup of confetti and your routine taking an unexpected detour! Leprechauns are usually supposed to bring you some laughter, so it’s good you’ll be able to find the light in it all, Leo!
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Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 23):
You are observant and good at spotting things! If you decide to go on a hike this week, you may just catch a glimpse of a sasquatch in the wild! I’d try to take a photo! But beware, Virgo, as sasquatches are known for their mischievous nature!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
You love debating, Libra, and believe in the fundamentals of communication! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Mercury, the planet of communication, is leaving the chat this week! Prepare for your worst nightmare: losing arguments!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
Have you ever seen a scorpion in real life, Scorpio? Don’t be startled if one decides to hop on your shoulder and starts to tag along with you! It just wants to be your friend — I promise!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Be careful with your elbows this week, Sagittarius! Your funny bones are extra sensitive at this time! A slight tap could cause you to experience fits of uncontrollable laughter!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Remember that pet rock you made when you were about 7 years old, Capricorn? Well, get ready because it’s going to reappear in your life again this week! Take it for a stroll, and give it some love! It’s been so long since it last saw you!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb 18):
I know this is an unusual prediction, Aquarius, but you are destined to sit on a whoopee cushion this week! Whether it’s at home, work or out in public, keep your eyes wide open, and inspect every seat! Don’t hesitate to ask others for assistance!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
The start of this week is particularly strange, Pisces! Brace yourself for a surprise! Rumor has it that a secret admirer of yours is planning to serenade you with a kazoo band right in front of your peers! How romantic!
Reach Aria Bloom at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
