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April Fools’: Bondi Beach Bar announces bold new marketing strategy

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Collegian | Tin Bonnet

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Bondi Beach Bar & Grill is one of — if not the most — hated drinking spot in Fort Collins, but owner Moe Hito hopes to change that by installing a real beach in Old Town Square, offering patrons an authentic beach bar experience.

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Bondi has a plethora of issues, from bathroom stalls that don’t lock to watered-down and overpriced drinks, causing bargoers to opt for other venues and ultimately leading to a decline in foot traffic and revenue for the bar.

“I’ll go to Bondi, but it’s the last resort,” CSU student Day Keery said. “I’ll only go when Rec Room’s and Lucky Joe’s lines are too long. The dance floor is too small, so I end up getting pushed. The music is too loud to have a conversation, and one time, they filled the water cooler with Panera Charged Lemonade without telling anyone.”

In response to Bondi’s unfavorable reputation as the worst bar in Fort Collins, Hito has finally decided to address these issues in hopes of reigniting the bar’s popularity, starting with the phony tropical theme. 

“Bondi may be a bit of a mess, but she’s our mess,” Hito said. “I think if students were able to fully immerse themselves into the vibes that we’re trying to curate, they wouldn’t care that we fill our alcohol bottles with half water or haven’t mopped the floors since 2021.”

After gaining overwhelming approval from the City of Fort Collins, construction of the beach began immediately, completely funded by Larimer County taxpayers. Reviews from the community have been mixed as opening day approaches. 

“Aside from the fact that this is a really bad idea in general, I really don’t think this is Bondi’s biggest problem,” said Margot Rita, sheriff of the Fun Police. “Maybe start with some more chairs so people aren’t kicked out to make room.”

Other members of the community have been more than receptive to the news, with lines of tents already beginning to form as fans camp out for the opening.

“I have been saying this is what Bondi needs for years,” said Man Hattan, a staunch Bondi defender. “Sure, other places might have toilet paper in the bathrooms and bartenders who don’t do drugs behind the counter, but who cares about that? Nowhere else has a real beach.”

The 30-by-40-foot beach will be fully functional April 1, complete with over 60,000 pounds of sand, 9,000 gallons of salt water and one 13-foot-long great white shark all the way from Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia — the place the bar is named after. 

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“I’m fine with the shark,” CSU wildlife specialist Wes Key said. “I see no problem with it and totally think the beach should stay. I just wish they would do something about the other issues with Bondi, like the bouncer who threw my wife out because she gave him the ick.”

In response to this, Hito will be doing a raffle for one lucky patron to name the great white that will live full time in front of the bar. 

Reach Brandy Alexander at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @sophie_masia.

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