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The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

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April Fools’: CSU should insert trackers into students

Garmin Monterra GPS
Garmin Monterra GPS

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Congratulations! You have signed your enrollment papers with Colorado State University and are ready for the next step: the insertion of a tracker into your neck. It’s the perfect way for your new home to keep tabs on where you are at all times and help your instructors know if you really skipped their class because you had a doctor’s appointment or if you just slept in.

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Now, I know what you might be thinking: This is the strangest, biggest violation of college students’ privacy ever — but, more importantly, it is the best solution to every professor’s question, “Why are none of my students showing up to class?”

Professors can try to create as many bizarre attendance policies as possible for students to affect their grade when they don’t show up to class, but how can they trust the number of dead grandmas cited in the emails they receive? The best way to enforce attendance policies and regulations is at the administrative level.

Therefore, the moment a student enrolls at CSU, there should be a tracker inserted into them. This is a tracker that will not be removed until the moment you receive your diploma unless you don’t. This way, students can be properly reprimanded for not making it to the classes they were supposed to be in, and attendance policies can truly be enforced.

This will only really apply to students who aren’t a part of Rocky Mountain Student Media because the company would really like for all major events to be covered without students being reprimanded. So from the moment a journalism student completes their RMSMC training, a student from the Veterinary Teaching Hospital will physically remove their tracker with just a local anesthetic so that they can continue their work independently.

Now, I recognize that this might not be fair to all Rams, but most students don’t have the pressure of covering breaking news getting in the way of their academic endeavors, so they should have to come up with adequate excuses for missing class.

I know you may be thinking you could just remove the tracker and plant it on campus or destroy it, but that won’t work. You see, when CSU inserts these trackers into students, not only will they be inserting them into the neck, but the trackers will also spawn mini trackers throughout the blood stream that are programmed to lodge themselves into vital organs with a life span of approximately four years. So without major surgery, there isn’t a viable way to get rid of the tracker for the rest of students’ lives — or until they get their diploma.

There is no better way to fix attendance policies than to make sure all students are properly tracked and located to determine the real reason they missed their class. I think it will really make them think twice before they skip class again.

Reach Dominant Lee at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @caffeinateddee6.

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