Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Students have become accustomed to walking around campus secretly hitting their JUULs, a popular smoking alternative that looks like you are sucking a USB. Well leave your not-so-secret vape puffs behind. Colorado State University’s financial department has decided to allocate money for JUUL vaping stations to be set up around campus.

CSU will now begin construction on closed rooms that JUULers alike can meet and rip their flash drive looking devices.

The rooms will be fit with chargers along the wall, rooster magazines and other miscellaneous crap to resemble the typical college house. There will be multiple pods set up around campus along high trafficked areas.

JUULers around the campus are ecstatic about hearing the news. JUUL sales have gone up a reported 200% in Fort Collins since the recent announcement by CSU. JUULing has become the latest fad among millennial looking for the quickest nicotine fix.

Students will no longer have to ghost hit their JUULs hit in the library anymore, they can now go to the stations, what the university will be calling “vape pods.” Student’s have to unlock the door with a JUUL to get in, so nobody will be in there feigning for your nicotine.

Sourins, another vaping alternative, is strictly prohibited since JUUL Labs made a lofty donation towards the vapor pods. Reports say that rules will be heavily enforced.

“This really help take the stress off of always having to secretly vape in class. I always get anxiety when the girl behind me yells at me for my vapor going in her face. It really defeats the purpose of vaping in class,” said second year Chad Tarkson, a self-proclaimed ‘vape god.’ 

Teachers have raised concern that kids will begin missing class to go “JUUL”. While this may be a viable concern to teachers, students will be asked to leave the pods after a 10 minute smoke session to ensure class attendance.

It is sleek and easy to conceal in public. Students have expressed concern for the people judging them while they hit their JUUL on campus which is why pods are being put in around campus.

“I’m just tired of getting judgmental looks when I hit my JUUL and leave clouds trailing behind me,” Tarkson said. “College campuses are full of ‘safe’ spaces, there should be safe spaces for JUULers.”

JUULing pods are coming to a location on campus near you. Students can now JUUL in peace with all their JUUL friends.

Wyatt Hansen can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @hansolo1610.