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The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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Seriously: Taylor Swift discusses her CO2 emissions in interview

Seriously%3A+Taylor+Swift+discusses+her+CO2+emissions+in+interview
Collegian | Taylor MacMahon

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Taylor Swift — after much negotiation and two subpoenas — flew from Denver to Fort Collins via her private jet to be interviewed about her carbon emissions with The Collegian.

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Swift: Do you work for TMZ or something?

Souza: No. God, no. I’m a columnist for —

Swift: OK cool.

There’s a long pause in the room, broken by a notification ping.

Swift: Sorry, that’s Travis. Ever since the Super Bowl, he’s been blowing money on random things. He just purchased a set of grills that say “Viva Las Vegas!” He’s so creative.

Souza: What a catch. On a different note, as I’m sure you’re aware, the media has been fixated on your jet fuel emissions.

Swift: Yeah, it’s nothing new. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate.

Souza: That’s a good attitude to have.

Swift: … hate, hate.

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Souza: Do you feel like you deserve all of that scrutiny?

Swift: Yes and no. Everybody makes mistakes, but unlike everyone else, I have the money to make mine someone else’s.

Souza: So I’ve heard. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s a student you’re threatening to sue for millions of dollars all because he tracked your jet, right?

Swift: The whole ordeal was actually really inspirational. I wrote a song about him called “Don’t Kiss and Tell” that’s featured on my new album. I took the sound of a gavel banging and layered it for the background track.

Souza: Are you going to —

Swift: Pre-save before April 19! Let me tell you, Emily, I’m so sick of running as fast as I can. People vilify me without seeing the good. Even though my emissions are a lot, I only hire pilots who are women! That way, even though it’s bad for the planet, it’s worse for the patriarchy. I finally am getting there quicker than if I was a man.

Souza: So — so you admit your emissions are high?

Swift: As high as my billboard rankings!

Souza: Would you be open to alternate transportation, then? One that’s slightly better for the planet?

Swift: Is this an interview or an intervention?

Another beat of silence, broken by Swift’s laughter.

Swift: I’m joking, I’m joking. I mean, yeah. I would try anything once. During The Eras Tour in Germany, my managers were like, “Learn how to say this in German! It’ll drive the fans crazy.” I was reluctant because Germany is so different, but it was a big hit. Someone threw their — how do I say — wienerschnitzel onstage. So that taught me to try anything once. And the last time I was in New York City, I took the subway for the first time. That was crazy, too. It’s just like, how do people do it, you know? How do they live like this? The lady next to me was selling, like, white glitter in small Ziploc bags, and she was nice enough to talk to me. She said I looked like her dead granddaughter. That was sweet, I guess, but overall I just felt really ostracized there.

Souza: New York is an interesting place, I agree, but subways aren’t used across the country. I’m referring to taking commercial flights or even driving between places. Both are more economical.

Swift: Yeah, OK, I’ll Uber next time.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the conference room door. It hinges open to reveal the metal nose of a jet plane. It is bubblegum pink. The engine clicks and whirrs in some sort of maternal need.

Souza: Oh, I didn’t know you brought visitors.

Swift stands from the table, arms outstretched as though preparing for a hug.

Swift: This is my daughter, Lucky 13. Travis bought her for me after the Super Bowl. He also got his coach one as an apology for spitting in his face during the game. That moment inspired another of my new songs, called “Touchdown to my Heart.”

Souza: You brought your plane? To an interview about your excessive carbon emissions?

Swift: I considered naming the track “Touchdown to my You Know What,” but I felt that was too on the nose, especially because it’s more of a power ballad. There’s this one line that’s like, “Your feet on the turf/ Your eyes are on me/ Your beard smells like taco meat/ But that’s endearing to me,” and I just think the first title really speaks to that more.

Souza: OK, we’re done here.

Swift: I flew across the state — 15 minutes out of my day — just for you to do a five-minute interview without addressing my daughter?

Souza: Your daughter is a 30-foot inanimate object.

Swift: So you’re calling her fat. We’ll remember this all too well.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.

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