The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
Lando Norris in Miami. Accident win or the birth of a new star?
May 17, 2024

  On May 5, 2024, an essential event for Formula 1 occurred in Miami. One of the favorites of the world public, the Briton Lando...

Seriously: Clark renovation plans change to McDonald’s PlayPlace

Seriously%3A+Clark+renovation+plans+change+to+McDonalds+PlayPlace
Collegian | Madelyn Hendricks

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

If you see kids around campus asking for a Happy Meal, they’re not asking about weed brownies. They just want McDonald’s.

Ad

The obnoxious construction going on around the Andrew G. Clark Building is driving students mad. With their daily walks to class rerouted, many have reported closing their eyes at night and hearing jackhammers. But what they don’t know is that this renovation actually isn’t a renovation at all. In reality, Colorado State University is building something more ugly, congested and greasy than Clark itself.

That’s right — a McDonald’s.

“I’ve put my nuggets into this project. I sketched out a beautiful plan. I’ve hand-sourced the plastic myself. I’ve ensured it will smell like spiteful moms and saggy diapers, just like the real thing.” –Ba-Da-Ba Ba-Ba, lead construction worker on the previous Clark renovation

“I found out on a Tuesday in March,” said Ba-Da-Ba Ba-Ba, lead construction worker on the previous Clark renovation. “I was in the middle of drilling right outside this podcasting room when my manager came up to me. He told me that the school wanted something more ergonomic, more ‘liberal arts’ than the current eyesore. Instantly I knew: They wanted a McDonald’s. But not just a regular-schmegular one — they wanted a PlayPlace.”

Complete with plastic slides, claustrophobic tubes and norovirus, the CSU McDonald’s PlayPlace — rebranded green and yellow to retain some McDonald’s brand integrity — is coming to campus Dec. 1, 2025.

“Ridiculous, right?” Ba-Ba said, shaking his head. “I’ve put my nuggets into this project. I sketched out a beautiful plan. I’ve hand-sourced the plastic myself. I’ve ensured it will smell like spiteful moms and saggy diapers, just like the real thing. Beautiful, right? You’d think they’d want to do a grand opening in spring or summer, right? No. They choose to open my baby in the middle of goddamn winter. The college students won’t even want to play anymore!”

Ba-Ba’s connection with PlayPlaces dates back to when he, too, was in saggy diapers.

“My wife and I met in a McDonald’s when we were five,” Ba-Ba said. “She was crawling through one end of the PlayPlace tube, and I was on another. Our lips touched on accident. She tasted like ranch. They say you always know when you’ve met the one — that’s when I knew.”

It took me several attempts to reach his wife, I’mLuvin Itt, who moved to Iceland a year ago and has changed phone numbers five times since.

“You ask me why I moved to Iceland?” Itt said over the phone. “They don’t have McDonald’s here.”

Ad

When asked about such a bitter comment, especially given her husband’s affinity for the fast food chain, Itt snorted.

“Husband? I left him at the altar,” Itt said. “He was a freak. He couldn’t have sex unless I wore a red wig and let him call me Ronald McDonald.”

Despite Ba-Ba’s past relationship, his plan for the CSU McDonald’s is as everlasting and evergreen as ever.

“I want to make you Rams proud,” Ba-Ba said. “That’s why I’m making the first CSU-exclusive Happy Meal Ram Ribs. They’re kid-friendly, don’t worry — the meat falls right off the bone.”

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *