Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
If you see kids around campus asking for a Happy Meal, they’re not asking about weed brownies. They just want McDonald’s.
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The obnoxious construction going on around the Andrew G. Clark Building is driving students mad. With their daily walks to class rerouted, many have reported closing their eyes at night and hearing jackhammers. But what they don’t know is that this renovation actually isn’t a renovation at all. In reality, Colorado State University is building something more ugly, congested and greasy than Clark itself.
That’s right — a McDonald’s.
“I’ve put my nuggets into this project. I sketched out a beautiful plan. I’ve hand-sourced the plastic myself. I’ve ensured it will smell like spiteful moms and saggy diapers, just like the real thing.” –Ba-Da-Ba Ba-Ba, lead construction worker on the previous Clark renovation
“I found out on a Tuesday in March,” said Ba-Da-Ba Ba-Ba, lead construction worker on the previous Clark renovation. “I was in the middle of drilling right outside this podcasting room when my manager came up to me. He told me that the school wanted something more ergonomic, more ‘liberal arts’ than the current eyesore. Instantly I knew: They wanted a McDonald’s. But not just a regular-schmegular one — they wanted a PlayPlace.”
Complete with plastic slides, claustrophobic tubes and norovirus, the CSU McDonald’s PlayPlace — rebranded green and yellow to retain some McDonald’s brand integrity — is coming to campus Dec. 1, 2025.
“Ridiculous, right?” Ba-Ba said, shaking his head. “I’ve put my nuggets into this project. I sketched out a beautiful plan. I’ve hand-sourced the plastic myself. I’ve ensured it will smell like spiteful moms and saggy diapers, just like the real thing. Beautiful, right? You’d think they’d want to do a grand opening in spring or summer, right? No. They choose to open my baby in the middle of goddamn winter. The college students won’t even want to play anymore!”
Ba-Ba’s connection with PlayPlaces dates back to when he, too, was in saggy diapers.
“My wife and I met in a McDonald’s when we were five,” Ba-Ba said. “She was crawling through one end of the PlayPlace tube, and I was on another. Our lips touched on accident. She tasted like ranch. They say you always know when you’ve met the one — that’s when I knew.”
It took me several attempts to reach his wife, I’mLuvin Itt, who moved to Iceland a year ago and has changed phone numbers five times since.
“You ask me why I moved to Iceland?” Itt said over the phone. “They don’t have McDonald’s here.”
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When asked about such a bitter comment, especially given her husband’s affinity for the fast food chain, Itt snorted.
“Husband? I left him at the altar,” Itt said. “He was a freak. He couldn’t have sex unless I wore a red wig and let him call me Ronald McDonald.”
Despite Ba-Ba’s past relationship, his plan for the CSU McDonald’s is as everlasting and evergreen as ever.
“I want to make you Rams proud,” Ba-Ba said. “That’s why I’m making the first CSU-exclusive Happy Meal Ram Ribs. They’re kid-friendly, don’t worry — the meat falls right off the bone.”
Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
