Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

I love seeing your hairy toes peek through flip-flops in March — because that’s totally normal. I adore that you swam in Horsetooth Reservoir last week. Tears of joy seep from my eyes when you tell me your “personality is defrosting” because it’s 65 degrees outside.

“Thank God,” I say. “Thank God that you’ll have a personality now because you were insufferable before.” And we’ll laugh and roll down grassy hills, ignoring life as the world melts around us — but to you, of course, it’s nothing new.

You know that the Earth is shriveling up, but Lord almighty, it feels great outside. Ignoring climate change doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, you regularly contribute to bettering the planet in other ways.

“At least I recycle,” you think. At least you separate your empty suntan lotion from your Yerba Mate cans, right? At least you don’t litter. At least you pick up trash on the street because how could people ever litter on such a beautiful planet? 

“We are rotating around and reheating ourselves like mindless mashed potatoes. But it’s fine because we’re lucky to exist before getting swallowed up and shat out a couple minutes later.”

Somehow, you’re a great virtue signaler who’s gone morally nose blind to yourself. 

You spend time in this warmth without thinking why it’s here, if it’s wrong or out of place. You’re thankful before wary, excited before upset and celebratory before existential because existentialism is bad, and the future is scary.

You’re not a cynic. Why criticize and worry about the rest of your life before it even happens? You live in the moment. The next generations might not have a moment to live in, but yours is here and now and warm, like, 65-degrees-in-February warm and tanning-between-classes warm.

And Colorado weather has always been bipolar. These random heat waves happen all the time here, even though other states, like Minnesota and the Dakotas, are experiencing all-time record highs. It’s not weird to you, though, that the supposed coldest states in America are reaching 60 degrees in winter. They should consider themselves lucky. 

We should all consider ourselves lucky, really. Lucky that 2023 was the warmest year on record and lucky that 2024 might even top that. Luckily, about 18% of land animals face extinction risk by 2100 if Earth’s temperatures continue to rise as predicted. Luckily, the atmosphere’s carbon dioxide levels are higher now than in the past 400,000 years, largely thanks to fossil fuel burning, which continues to roast our planet like a giant fucked-up microwave oven. We are rotating around and reheating ourselves like mindless mashed potatoes. But it’s fine because we’re lucky to exist before getting swallowed up and shat out a couple minutes later. We’re lucky to exist on this rotating microwave plate, dripping with fat and sunscreen gluttony.

So continue ignoring climate change. Contribute nothing to the conversation. Some might say that the issue is life-changing, but others might not agree until they’re dead from an inhospitable Earth.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.