Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It is almost guaranteed that at least one Colorado State University fraternity will be throwing a party each weekend. CSU’s new abstinence frat is no different. Their door is always open to make friendship bracelets and play Just Dance.

Yes, you heard that right — an abstinence fraternity. More formally known as Nu Omicron Beta Omicron Nu Epsilon Gamma Zeta, NO βONEΓΖ has found a new home at CSU frat row. 

“They’re crazy,” said Beir Pongh, a sophomore and chapter president of CSU’s Kappa Upsilon Mu fraternity. “The very existence of the brotherhood of KυM — outside of the earth-shaking, life-saving philanthropy we do, which is obviously by our own free will — is to get laid! That is the path our founding fathers paved for us, and to ignore that is practically sacrilege.”

“Once you go abstinent, you never go backstinent.”

KυM’s house sits directly across from the NO βONEΓΖ fraternity. Pongh said his brothers lift weights while their brothers do morning yoga.

“I overheard them talking about some ‘mindfulness’ bullshit once,” Pongh said. “If you’re doing breathing exercises and downward dog to distract yourself from sex, at that point, you couldn’t pull anyone even if you wanted to.”

After weeks of requesting an interview with the NO βONEΓΖ fraternity, I finally was able to contact a source. He refused to talk, however, unless guaranteed full anonymity.

“They don’t tell you it’s actually an abstinence frat until you’re in,” the brother said. “Our president found a Trojan wrapper on one dude’s dresser last weekend. He’s been locked in our linen closet for the past two days. They called it ‘boning jail.’ Buddy went unresponsive, yeah, but you know: Once you go abstinent, you never go backstinent.”

No women are allowed within a 3-meter radius of their house, the brother said.

“Our president put a fence up to where the sidewalk touches the street,” the brother said. “A girl got past it once. But our Ring doorbell is automatically set to dial 911 when it sees a woman on the front porch, so you know. She’s in jail now. Not boning jail. Real jail.”

When asked whether he thinks the fraternity is abstinent for religious reasons, the brother snorted.

“If it’s for religious reasons, they certainly aren’t following exactly by the book,” the brother said. “Let’s just say there’s never been a shortage of substances in the house — or tissue boxes.”

Public perception of the NO βONEΓΖ fraternity isn’t pristine, either. Their Instagram, @chastitydaddies, is littered with hate comments. Some of the most popular include, “Their version of a ‘fraccent’ is poetry and Bible verses”; “Biggest dose of cope-ium I’ve ever seen”; and, “Can someone tell them it’s not November anymore?”

“I wrote several of those comments from a burner account myself,” the brother said. “It was shortly after I got hazed, which consisted of wearing a sumo suit to class so that women ‘wouldn’t want what they don’t like.’ I mean, at that point, I’d rather get alcohol poisoning.”

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.