Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
On Wednesday night in Fort Collins, a restaurant packed to the gills with patrons suffered a massive financial loss when a group of 10 individuals flawlessly executed the age-old dine and dash.
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Throughout the evening, members of the group would “use the restroom” and then sneak out the front door of the Houver Priced Cuisine establishment. They timed their exits tactfully and spaced them out to not draw suspicion. The first nine had no issues, but pressure rested on the strong shoulders of the last member. If he failed to escape, the plan would collapse, and the group would be forced to pay.
“The plates were practically licked clean,” said Audi R. Royce, a waitress at Houver Priced Cuisine. “I got suspicious around person five. The table was almost half empty and had been for half an hour. Red flags were raised for sure.”
The 10th patron, who will remain unnamed because he is a minor, managed to escape by the skin of his teeth. Royce notified other wait staff of her suspicions, and when the man stood, a waiter started walking toward him, and he bolted.
“Yeah, I was the one responsible for the escape of the 10th guy. Is that what we’re calling him? Great. I mean, the kid is a fitness prodigy. The second he walked into my studio, I knew he’d be a success in whatever he chose to do with his natural athleticism. He chose dining and dashing, which is great publicity for me.” -Franc Ritz, Ritz’s Kingdom owner
He speared the last piece of his steak and began his escape. Witnesses said they saw him take a moment to survey his escape route, and then he got into a sprinter’s stance and took off. He weaved through tables and crowded walkways, dodging wait staff as they attempted to grab him.
“At one point, he did a spin move, which was pretty sick — I won’t lie,” witness Riche Dick said. “Then once he was at the door, he looked back at the restaurant, yelled out some guy’s name, took a giant bite of his steak and took off.”
“It sucks because I maxed out my credit cards, and my parents said if I touch my trust fund again, they’re kicking me out,” Royce said through tears. “I need that money. Also, I’m going to Ram Band on Thursday. How the hell am I supposed to do that when a party of 10 ditched?”
After Wednesday, Houver Priced Cuisine worked with the police to uncover who exactly took part in the coup. Four were apprehended, and the other six remain at large. Current suspects include former members of the Hype House and a few nepo babies.
While the suspects remain the subject of controversy, everyone is asking: Whose name did that 10th patron yell out? And why?
After tirelessly interviewing witnesses and going over CCTV footage, police came away with a name: Franc Ritz, descendant of César Ritz of The Ritz-Carlton hotel chain and Los Angeles’ hottest celebrity trainer trying to make his mark within the Fort Collins community. He’s known primarily as an outspoken Ozempic ambassador and claims he’s responsible for three of the Kardashians’ “smokin’ hot bods.” He refused to specify which three, however.
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Shockingly, Franc Ritz took full responsibility for the 10th customer’s escape. In a press conference Monday, Franc Ritz explained his role in the event and even provided a few fitness pointers.
“Yeah, I was the one responsible for the escape of the 10th guy,” Franc Ritz said. “Is that what we’re calling him? Great. I mean, the kid is a fitness prodigy. The second he walked into my studio, I knew he’d be a success in whatever he chose to do with his natural athleticism. He chose dining and dashing, which is great publicity for me.”
Franc Ritz had been training the teen for over a year in his fitness studio, Ritz’s Kingdom. According to the website, the primary principles of the studio are the following:
- Listen to Franc Ritz.
- Don’t be ugly.
- If you’re not vlogging your workout, it doesn’t count.
- It also doesn’t count unless it’s filmed with an obnoxiously large tripod and a ring light.
- At least one celebrity contact is needed in order to join.
- You must be able to call the aforementioned celebrity at any time. If they don’t pick up, walk yourself out, close the 15-foot glass door behind you, return to the podunk shack where your mother squeezed you out and never step foot in Ritz’s Kingdom again.
Throughout their workouts, Franc Ritz incorporated basic exercises like bench presses and tricep dips along with more specialized movements.
“One of my favorites is literally called ‘the dine and dash,'” Franc Ritz said. “The exerciser sits on a chair and must mime eating. When they hear a whistle, they have to sprint to a designated finish line. It works on improving speed, fast-twitch muscle development and reaction time. As they get more advanced, we Pavlov ‘em and blow the whistle as someone says, ‘I’ll be right back with the check.’ Over time, they learn to run at the words alone. We also add obstacles as they get faster for a more realistic scenario and to improve agility.”
It’s unknown whether the group will be charged or prosecuted for their crimes. However, Franc Ritz made it known that he wholeheartedly believes in his program, and he’ll be conducting an intensive dining and dashing clinic over the course of a week for $5,000 a person.
“It’s not that expensive if you really think about it,” Franc Ritz said. “If you rack up a dinner bill of $1,000 five times and use my program to run, you’ve already saved that much money. It really pays itself off.”
Reach Addy Dollaghan at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ADollaghan.
