Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended. 

After repeatedly defending the promotion of and actions of white supremacist groups online for over a year now, a local man finally realized he is a white supremacist.

Posters recruiting white supremacists were found outside of the Lory Student Center at Colorado State University on Sunday. By Monday afternoon, Bob Miller had commented on the local newspaper’s online coverage of the event several times, noting that white supremacists should have the same rights as anyone else, and that it doesn’t even seem like that big of a deal to have a white rights group anyways.

“White people deserve spaces to protect ourselves from becoming a marginalized group, just like those marginalized groups,” Miller said. “I also think it’s really important to maintain white culture.”

According to sources close to The Collegian, there is no such thing as “white culture,” but some experts pointed out it could include a general lack of flavor and rhythm. 

Miller is a middle-class Fort Collins resident and said he has faced minimal difficulty in his life in the small college town. Despite this, he managed to muster enough angst and fear to become a full-blown white supremacist. Friends close to Miller suspect the new identity comes from a long history of being a generally mediocre and unpleasant person.

“You know, after seeing so many people respond online calling me a white supremacist, I realized that I should just say it,” Miller said. “I’m a white supremacist.”

Miller made the big announcement in the middle of the Lory Student Center Plaza, surrounded by (very) few friends and family members, all dressed uniformly in polo shirts and khaki shorts to show their support.

“Bob was always really aggressive about how the first amendment applies to Nazis, but I didn’t think he was ready for the big leap until he started saying white people should only date white people,” said Chad Johnson, leader of a local extremist group. 

Like most white supremacists, Miller and Johnson have not had any trouble with interracial dating, since no person of any race has ever expressed interest in either of the two, romantic or otherwise. 

“I’m really impressed that Bob chose to be so upfront about his racist leanings,” said Becky Reming. “I don’t personally consider myself a white supremacist, but I do think white people deserve to feel proud for who they… Oh. Well, I do see their points. I’m not racist though.”