Many fields of science in today’s society are up for debate on whether or not their findings are true. Among these burning trash heaps of falsity, rises one star: astrology. 

Fake news is an epidemic, which applies to the sciences above anything else. Astrology, unarguably, is the most intrinsically enlightening science that there is. It’s the perfect middle ground between religion and science, giving its believers predictions and advice to follow for their entire lives. 

“There was this cute boy in my class. I figured out our compatibility, and I convinced him we’re meant to be. It’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.” – Sierra Peters

The second we’re born, we have a path given to us by the stars. It doesn’t determine our destinies, but it tells us how we’ll react to certain people, situations and events. No matter who you are, the stars will welcome you. 

Contrary to popular belief, astrology is not just one sign that defines who you are. There are eleven different signs that dictate your reactions and your compatibility with others. Stella Anderson, a believer in the stars, had her awakening after breaking up with her boyfriend of six years. 

“I was so stupid to think we would work out,” Anderson said. “He’s a Cancer and I’m an Aries, I was just fooled by his Capricorn Ascending.”  

My boss and opinion editor, Jayla Hodgepodge, claims that astrology is the least credible pseudo-science there is and that it gives us an excuse to behave poorly. Unfortunately, being a Pisces, she’s so out of tune with reason and rationality that her opinion doesn’t even matter. Quite frankly, Hodgepodge could use some insight on why she acts like such a self-righteous know it all (she’s a Virgo Ascending, for the record). 

Little does Hodgepodge know I only got the job as assistant editor because we’re compatible with our sense of responsibilities and my horoscope said I would have luck with my work life the day of the interview.  This is anything but a coincidence.

Many crack jokes about how astrology isn’t a good way to find love, but Sierra Peters, another believer, said otherwise. 

“Personally, I’ve had the best experience with astrology,” Peters said. “There was this cute boy in my class, I figured out our compatibility and I convinced him we’re meant to be. It’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.” 

There are many viable sources to visit if you’re interested in astrology. Whether you’re enlightened through websites, apps or newsletters, the stars are always looking for more followers. We are all linked to the cosmos, astrology is just the threshold.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended. 

Yeehaw Junction reporter Let’s McWillies can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @LetaMcWilliams.