Seriously

Seriously: Who wants to be the new CSU mascot?

Callum Burke, Collegian Columnist • May 4, 2022

Picture this: You’re under the bright lights of Canvas Stadium awaiting yet another action-packed football game. The crowd is chanting thunderously over the music playing on the loudspeakers. The football team is warming up eagerly on the field as the cheerleaders and dancers edge the sidelines to rile up the fans. Where are you, you ask? Right in the middle of the action on the field, with all eyes on you. You’re the school mascot, and you’re living the goddamn dream of showing off your school spirit to everyone attending. I mean, who doesn’t want to be the mascot, right?

Seriously: CSU to give campus preachers honorary communication degrees

Bella Eckburg, Opinion Director • May 1, 2022

As Colorado State University quickly approaches its spring 2022 graduation ceremony, the University made a monumental decision that exemplified its undying support for free speech on campus: issuing campus preachers honorary communications degrees. “They spend as much time on campus as every student,” said Poe Lark, a spokesperson for CSU’s graduation planning team. “It’s time for CSU to make a public stand in support of free speech on campus once and for all.” 

Seriously: Clarkchella? More like clout-chella. Get flexed on.

Michael Stella, Collegian Columnist • April 19, 2022

In case you live under a rock and have no idea what is happening on campus, the department of journalism and media communication at Colorado State University threw one of the greatest parties to have graced the Andrew G. Clark Building in its tenured history: Clarkchella.  CSU is so old that "Colorado State University" is our third name. Back when we were founded in 1870, we were Colorado Agricultural College. This campus has seen every type of party in its 150-plus years of operation, but all pale in comparison to Clarkchella.

Seriously: CSU film students strap cameras to campus geese with shocking results

Callum Burke, Collegian Columnist • April 3, 2022

In an outrageous attempt to enhance their video-taking capabilities, Colorado State University film students have pushed the boundaries yet again — only this time, it appears they have bitten off more than they can chew. Last week, film students attached a GoPro camera and GPS tile to a small collar and strapped it to a goose in hopes of attaining new point-of-view angles and potentially cool aerial perspectives of campus and Fort Collins. Unfortunately, they discovered events much more sinister than they could have ever imagined.

April Fools: Headphones and earbuds banned at CSU starting April 1

Plain Rice, Pirate Columnist • March 30, 2022

As of April 1, all forms of headphones and earbuds will be illegal on the Colorado State University campus. This official mandate is due to a unanimous vote by every individual over the age of 65 who has ever stepped foot on campus. The mandate provides a complete list of all prohibited listening devices. It includes all wired and wireless headphones and earbuds. The archaic but effective design of two metal cans attached by a string is also outlawed.

Seriously: The 2022 Olympics were the greatest Olympics of all time

JD Meltzner, Opinion Editor • March 2, 2022

Ah, the Olympic Games; a time-honored celebration of athletics, competition, glory and national pride. It’s an event that brings the world together in a harmonious two-week period that shows off the best of us. The 2022 Beijing Olympics were deemed by many to be a mockery of these values, but simply put, that’s just a crock of shit.  I’ve seen a lot of commentary lately saying the location choices for some of the events were questionable. I’m here to tell you that making these athletes compete surrounded by a toxic-looking, dystopian landscape was a purposeful decision. 

Head to Head: Bathroom graffiti on campus

February 22, 2022

Seriously: Our country is built on voter suppression — that’s a good thing

Dylan Tusinski, Collegian Columnist • February 21, 2022

There's been a recent flurry around voter suppression across the United States. In many states, lawmakers are introducing legislation to make it more difficult for people to vote, whether through limiting ballot drop-off locations, criminally charging people who help disabled and elderly people turn in their ballots or preventing people from handing out water to those in the long lines for the polls, there's been a steady stream of anti-voter legislation taking root across the country. While these laws have their hearts in the right place, they're going about voter suppression in the wrong way.

Seriously: If we’re going to celebrate Groundhog Day, we should fire Punxsutawney Phil

Callum Burke, Collegian Columnist • February 17, 2022

There are very few traditions that show American pride more than camping around a hole in the February cold, awaiting a clueless groundhog to predict the weather for the upcoming six weeks. At least, that’s the case for fans of Punxsutawney Phil, the unsung hero of weather predictions in the United States and arguably the most well known of all the weather-predicting animals. Although cute, it is time to move on from a groundhog predicting the weather — or at least time to elect a new mascot. 

Seriously: CSU should ignore all pandemic precautions

Dillon Gross, Collegian Columnist • February 14, 2022

It’s been almost two years since the pandemic hit America and changed modern life. Nothing has been the same since those fateful days in early March. And I, for one, am sick of it.  It would be one thing if progress were happening — Maybe I could understand if cases were going down. But they’re not. Cases are higher now than they’ve ever been.

Seriously: CSU to add more ice to campus; law students elated

Callum Burke, Opinion Columnist • January 25, 2022

Colorado State University’s administration implemented yet another initiative on campus. For a university that prides itself on progressive forms of learning, this time is no different.  The decision was made in cohesion with law students entails more ice being placed throughout campus to allow young lawyers an opportunity to practice injury-law cases hands-on. 

Seriously: How CAM the Ram spends his time off

Callum Burke, Opinion Columnist • January 19, 2022

Colorado State University mascot CAM the Ram is most known by students and Fort Collins locals for his appearances at football games and other campus sporting and social events. Aside from communal adoration, locals were awed at how exhilarating and frankly unique his social life is outside of his occupation as the mascot.