Seriously: Our country is built on voter suppression — that’s a good thing


Outside the Lory Student Center, near the ballot box, is a vote here sign on election day, Nov. 3, 2020. (Cat Blouch | The Collegian)

Dylan Tusinski, Collegian Columnist

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

There’s been a recent flurry around voter suppression across the United States. In many states, lawmakers are introducing legislation to make it more difficult for people to vote, whether through limiting ballot drop-off locations, criminally charging people who help disabled and elderly people turn in their ballots or preventing people from handing out water to those in the long lines for the polls, there’s been a steady stream of anti-voter legislation taking root across the country.


While these laws have their hearts in the right place, they’re going about voter suppression in the wrong way.

As it stands, voter suppression laws are entirely partisan and inherently racially biased. Republicans have begun to basically admit they can’t win elections without suppressing voters and that voter suppression laws are inherently rooted in racism against Black people in the south.

Obviously, we shouldn’t be preventing people from voting on the basis of their partisanship or their race. We should be preventing most people from voting altogether.

Let’s face it — the United States wasn’t founded on the basis of letting everyone vote. In fact, America’s founding fathers believed that almost no one should be able to vote. When the Constitution was signed, states were given the right to decide who could vote and how, leading to only property-owning white men getting the right to vote. Our ever-so-infallible founding fathers agreed that the vast majority of American citizens shouldn’t be able to head to the polls, and who are we to disagree with them?

“The reality of it all is that the rich are definitely only rich because of their super hard work ethic and willingness to skip daily coffees and avocado toast.”

I mean, let’s be real here. On the face of it, not much has changed in the nearly 250 years since George Washington and his British-born buddies agreed the poor shouldn’t vote. Even in today’s America, wherein every citizen over the age of 18 can legally cast a ballot, politics are still controlled by the wealthy. A little over a decade ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can contribute as much money to political causes as they want. Since, American elections have become increasingly influenced by the wealthy, and government policies have followed suit.

Some would have you believe that having our political discourse controlled by the wealthy elites is a bad thing, but it’s the exact opposite.

America was founded on the idea of the top 1% dominating our politics, and that’s something we shouldn’t change. If you ask me, we ought to suppress the right to vote across the board in this country — unless you make over $1 million a year. Because like the old adage says, the wealthy pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to become wealthy. That self-centered, worker-exploiting, union-busting, ego-driven mindset is exactly what we need more of in the White House.

Ignore the fact that some of America’s wealthiest men mostly have their money because of their parents. Disregard that Elon Musk, the supposedly self-made billionaire, and all his companies are being propped up by government handouts.

Set aside the reality that both Democrats and Republicans have given the 1% numerous tax breaks that only act to increase their already immense wealth. The reality of it all is that the rich are definitely only rich because of their super hard work ethic and willingness to skip daily coffees and avocado toast.


That “Top Gear” sigma male grindset is why we should hand the duty of governing back to the wealthy — just like our intrepid founding fathers did.

All in all, what I’m trying to say is that the rich can — and do — buy elections and legislation in the U.S. Contrary to what tree-hugging, pot-smoking Bernie Sanders-Bros would like to have you believe, that’s totally a good thing. We need to return to our roots as a country and realize an important truth: Suppressing the working class’ right to vote is the smart thing to do. It’s clearly worked well for us thus far!

Reach Dylan Tusinski at or on Twitter @unwashedtiedye.