Seriously: CSU should ignore all pandemic precautions

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(Graphic Illustration by Alyson Serio | The Collegian)

Dillon Gross, Collegian Columnist

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It’s been almost two years since the pandemic hit America and changed modern life. Nothing has been the same since those fateful days in early March. And I, for one, am sick of it. 

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It would be one thing if progress were happening — maybe I could understand if cases were going down. But in general, they’re not. Cases were higher in January than they’ve ever been.

In fact, there are more new cases daily than there were when everything shut down. How weird is that? There are hundreds reported every day, and things are more normal than ever. I sure as shit don’t feel normal.

I’m getting sick of COVID-19 getting in the way of modern life. It’s not like it’s going to change, so why are we even trying to fight it?

Colorado State University should get rid of all the COVID-19 protocols it has in place and just let omicron run rampant.

Everyone’s going to get the omicron variant anyway. Let’s just get it done and over with. I’d rather it happen sooner in the semester than during finals week, folks.

First to go away: masks. Wearing N95 and KN95 masks on campus should be punishable by fines. 

“What’s the point of getting vaccinated if you can still get COVID? Just because it means you have a much less chance of hospitalization is not good enough for me. In fact, I want to be hospitalized. I live for drama.”

Everyone’s sick of masks anyway. How many times a day do you see someone wearing their mask incorrectly or not wearing one at all? 

Exactly. It’s too common, even in places where masks are still mandated. It’s pointless to try to get everyone to wear a mask, so CSU should get rid of them altogether.

This would be the perfect time of year to do it, too. With flu and cold viruses spreading, it gives us the chance to build our immune systems. If some people get sick, what’s the harm? I should be able to lick my hands after touching doorknobs.

Masks during the winter months — when it’s below freezing outside — are the worst. 

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The condensation that builds up inside of masks is a pain; it’s basically like being waterboarded. It’s un-American — an infringement on personal liberties. 

As a glasses-wearer, masks in the winter are my worst nightmare. There’s nothing more embarrassing than walking into a building, just trying to find my class, and having my glasses fog up so much that I can’t see. Then I have to take off my glasses, and I still can’t see. It’s a lose-lose situation. The stairs in the Clark Building are steep enough, now try going down blind.

The annoyance that is the COVID-19 vaccine should be ignored too. I mean, what’s the point of getting vaccinated if you can still get COVID? Just because it means you have a much less chance of hospitalization is not good enough for me. In fact, I want to be hospitalized. I live for drama.

It is so annoying to have to constantly keep track of the little vaccination card. It’s a piece of paper slightly larger than a business card, and I’m expected to not lose it immediately? Ridiculous. I’m an American who has the right to be completely void of personal responsibility. I should be able to lose whatever I want. 

Let’s talk about silencing voices. No one is giving a say to the people who are deathly afraid of needles. Forget health exemptions, they have a real reason to be fearful of the vaccine. Why are we expecting them to get vaccinated for the so-called greater good? 

CSU’s protocols should become a thing of the past. It’s already been two years. Who cares anymore? Everyone’s tired of COVID-19 and tired of trying to do the right thing, so there’s no point in preventing anything anymore. 

I say we let COVID do its thing. Let it run rampant on campus. I say we succumb to the inevitability of the pandemic. This is just life now; let’s lean into the chaos. 

Reach Dillon Gross at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @dillongrosss.