Seriously: Who wants to be the new CSU mascot?

Callum Burke, Collegian Columnist

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Picture this: You’re under the bright lights of Canvas Stadium awaiting yet another action-packed football game. The crowd is chanting thunderously over the music playing on the loudspeakers. The football team is warming up eagerly on the field as the cheerleaders and dancers edge the sidelines to rile up the fans.

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Where are you, you ask? Right in the middle of the action on the field, with all eyes on you. You’re the school mascot, and you’re living the goddamn dream of showing off your school spirit to everyone attending. I mean, who doesn’t want to be the mascot, right?

The answer is absolutely everybody. Seriously, being the school mascot is a shitty gig.

Mascot tryouts are coming up at Colorado State University, as the spirit squad is looking for a new CAM the Ram, and as a result, I would like to take this opportunity to slander the occupation in its entirety and hopefully scare off any dweebs contemplating trying out for the position, which would utterly shatter any chance of social acceptance.

First of all, who wants to run around in a furry, claustrophobic pile of fabric for what could potentially be hours at a time? Not me.

“Okay, sure, some people will do it for the individual clout, but being a university mascot should be a form of corporal punishment. You don’t deserve that.”

It just seems redundant to have a human being in a furry suit standing awkwardly next to the real CAM the Ram like a half-assed backup. You are literally trying out for second best and, for sure, second favorite. What a loser.

Also, what’s the deal with keeping the mascots’ identities private? I’m not positive if all mascots are sworn into secrecy like some bizarre fraternal organization, but it sure seems that way. Regardless, I’ve never heard of a publicly known mascot, especially not at the collegiate level.

I mean, there was a rumor from a student who believed the old CAM mascot went to their high school, but again, it was all hearsay. We don’t have the slightest clue who it is or who it will be and, to be honest, no one cares at all. If you were a superhero flying around Fort Collins saving civilians from evil mountain lions, maybe the mystery would be cool. When it’s just a fluffy costume, then no, sir, that’s not the case.

Okay, sure, some people will do it for the individual clout, but being a university mascot should be a form of corporal punishment. You don’t deserve that.

Overall, it just seems both physically and mentally exhausting to work so hard and be unknown by the public. It is a thankless profession, and you can find a better situation. Please save yourself.

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.

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