Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In an outrageous attempt to enhance their video-taking capabilities, Colorado State University film students have pushed the boundaries yet again — only this time, it appears they have bitten off more than they can chew.

Last week, film students attached a GoPro camera and GPS tile to a small collar and strapped it to a goose in hopes of attaining new point-of-view angles and potentially cool aerial perspectives of campus and Fort Collins. Unfortunately, they discovered events much more sinister than they could have ever imagined.

After one goose took off for about a day, film students tracked down the GPS tile, retrieved the camera by the Intramural Fields and began to review their findings.

The first few hours contained random footage of nothing more than grass and occasional students walking past, but when the goose met up with his fellow flock by the library parking lot, things began to fly out of control.

“The goose and about 12 of his closest bird buddies rendezvoused by the bike racks before swiftly taking flight and releasing bullets of goose shit from the sky onto cars and students like sniper shells,” CSU sophomore and goose-shit victim Leonard Gander said. “To say this was a planned attack would be a severe understatement — I mean, they were synchronized up there like World War II fighter jets, and I fear when it will happen again.”

The attack caused a total of $1,500 in damages and left one student with a glass eye after receiving a sniper shot from the southeast quadrant of the parking lot. He has declined to speak on the events that played out that day.

“Film students sought to find new, creative ways to film on campus, and that is exactly what they did. Backlash or not, they succeeded in proving unorthodox approaches in videography, setting the CSU film program apart from others nationwide.”

The film students concluded the geese and their stupid, judgmental gaze are always plotting the downfall of students. Countless shoes of mine have been tainted and stained with their grassy, filthy poop droppings, and God forbid one or a few of them are blocking your route on the sidewalk to class because their fat asses aren’t moving.

Before the weather cooled down for winter, geese were getting a little too comfortable with the student body and strutting around Fort Collins with their chests puffed out, sporting the confidence of mob boss Tony Soprano. It was only a matter of time before they joined forces and got back at us when the weather warmed up.

Interestingly and to the film students’ surprise, the camera shots recovered from the GoPro on the goose were breathtakingly beautiful. Despite the bloodshed and damages caused by the events to get the footage, the idea worked, and the students plan to implement it again in the future.

“I saw the camera footage and would be lying if I said it wasn’t gorgeous,” Gander continued. “The lighting and quality of the angles provided made me forget about the life-changing injuries sustained that day and left me wanting to see more goose perspective shots in the future.”

Between all the damages and tears wept, it is clear this mission was a roaring success. Film students sought to find new, creative ways to film on campus, and that is exactly what they did. Backlash or not, they succeeded in proving unorthodox approaches in videography, setting the CSU film program apart from others nationwide.

Besides, a few casualties are to be expected when attempting such groundbreaking endeavors, even if that means another attack in the coming days. Just steer clear, get to shelter and let a carwash deal with the aftermath. The geese are filming art, loser.

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.