Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended

Colorado State University mascot CAM the Ram is most known by students and Fort Collins locals for his appearances at football games and other campus sporting and social events. Aside from communal adoration, locals were awed at how exhilarating and frankly unique his social life is outside of his occupation as the mascot. 

For a sheep-man with a jam-packed schedule, CAM seems to be quite the hobbyist.

“Oh CAM, that majestic goober,” said Cooper Ropeson, a local rock climbing champion. “He has these legs that just keep on going, and it’s like he floats on the side of cliffs. It’s almost a little unfair because he has these weird-ass feet that just seem to lock into the rocks — I’ve literally never seen him fall.” 

“It is no debate that CAM is much more than just the face of CSU. A true hobbyist and master of none, CAM is the culmination of a true Fort Collins local being involved with the community.”

In the colder months when climbing is not possible, CAM frequents Chipper’s Lanes every Monday evening for league night. 

“The Turkey Lurkers are a great team to be a part of, but CAM takes it to another level of talent,” said Leroy Striker, bowling teammate and second cousin of CAM. “Without him, our league team would be a gasoline-lit dumpster fire.” 

“You give that man a Bud Light tall boy and freshly oiled lanes, and he will drop at least 260,” said Gale Bumper, captain of the Turkey Lurkers. “The lanes are his escape, and I am blessed to be his teammate to witness that. Hooves have grip, bro.” 

When CAM feels jaded from the hustle and bustle of regular life, he takes his hairy self to The Town Pump to watch the news and sports with other regulars. 

“Without a doubt, this is CAM’s favorite little spot in Fort Collins to wind down,” said Marvin Tapp, owner of The Town Pump. “He’s here three — shit, maybe four — times a week depending on his hectic work schedule.”

“We even have a spot we call CAM’s Corner that he sits in when he comes by,” Tapp said. “He even brought in a recliner so he can really feel at home. Have you ever seen a ram in a recliner? That shit’s laid out.” 

“I come to The Town Pump a couple of times a month after work, and every time I’m there, CAM is sitting in his throne of a chair, hooves up, with popcorn and peanuts scattered all over his beer gut hanging freely out of his shirt,” said Antonio Aleman, a Colorado State graduate. “But that’s my boy — we love him in Fort Collins, and he is nothing short of a stand-up guy to us all.” 

It is no debate that CAM is much more than just the face of CSU. A true hobbyist and master of none, CAM is the culmination of a true Fort Collins local being involved with the community.

“Of course, I have my interests and hobbies,” CAM said. “You try having no life outside of work, and get back to me. It’s boring as all get-out, and it just so happens that I am an absolute pistol with a bowling ball and can climb a mountain faster than you can spell the word.”

“Jokes aside, though, I love this town and what it has to offer,” CAM said. “I have got all the apple ales, bowling and rock climbing my heart can handle, and I do not want it any other way.”  

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.