Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

As of April 1, all forms of headphones and earbuds will be illegal on the Colorado State University campus. This official mandate is due to a unanimous vote by every individual over the age of 65 who has ever stepped foot on campus.

The mandate provides a complete list of all prohibited listening devices. It includes all wired and wireless headphones and earbuds. The archaic but effective design of two metal cans attached by a string is also outlawed.

Offenders will have their listening devices confiscated. Confiscated devices will be microwaved until they explode.

People caught using contraband will also be forced to attend a seminar titled “Let Everyone Hear.” The seminar encourages students to overcome the habits it labels “harmful and suspicious” that society requires in public behavior. 

Observation of past seminar participants shows that after completion of the seminar, most start playing all sound on their phones, laptops and tablets in public, with 57% playing everything (music, videos, little phone game beeping noises) at full volume, 22% at medium volume and only 4% with no volume. The remaining 17% play everything at a very low volume and hold their devices right next to their ears.

“We actually prefer the no-volume people over that 17%,” said Bobby “Big Ears” Bell, a featured speaker in the seminar. “The no-volume people at least aren’t trying to hide anything. But when you hold your phone by your ear so other people can’t hear, that’s just selfish. If you won’t let anyone around you hear, you shouldn’t be able to hear either. It’s only fair.”

“This is a movement. When people lose their ‘public decency,’ they lose their fear. Today it’s playing ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ while showering in the community dorm, tomorrow it’s ending tyranny.” -Bobby “Big Ears” Bell, seminar speaker

CSU leaders predict the beginning of this policy will see most students not using sound at all, but over time, they expect most Rams will lose all shame and opt for full volume. 

The ultimate goal of the mandate is to make CSU students more expressive and confident. 

“This is a movement,” Bell said. “When people lose their ‘public decency,’ they lose their fear. Today it’s playing ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ while showering in the community dorm; tomorrow it’s ending tyranny.”

Critics worry the mandate and resulting increase in public volume will make the CSU experience more annoying. 

“How is this a good idea at all?” said Serenity Hyde, a strong critic of the mandate.

“I don’t want to hear my classmates playing Candy Crush, and I don’t want them to hear me listening to ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version)’ 46 times a day,” protested Olivia Marlow, another critic.

However, those of this sentiment struggle to promote their cause because whenever they open their mouths to speak, they are quickly drowned out by the high-volume devices of their adversaries. 

Students are advised to destroy or send home their listening devices before the mandate goes into effect. This is the best strategy to avoid the temptation to break the mandate and the aforementioned consequences. 

Some students, of course, will have no problem adjusting to the mandate because they already abstain from the use of private listening devices. 

“Those guys are the gold standard,” Bell said. “We can really learn from them about how to be more open and revealing of our personal lives — whether or not people want to hear their stall neighbor’s TV show in the bathroom.”

Reach Pirate of the Collegian Plain Rice at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @mcadahmillan.