New satirical rules for the road

I’m assuming you drive. And since you drive, I will also assume that you know a bad driver. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s your friend. Maybe you just pretend like you don’t know any (hint — it’s you).

The point here is, we have all had to deal with awful drivers, and people, on the roads. So despite no one being really interested in my opinion — except of course the people who pay me to write it — I will proclaim new rules for the road that I believe will help everyone be happier as they go about their day.

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Rule 1: Stop being ‘that guy.’

You know when you are stopped at a red light and you can feel that car approaching from behind because of the bad bass music vibrating up your sternum? How you can’t hear your own music, with your windows shut, because someone thinks that their music and by proxy, themselves, while listening to it, is infinitely more important than you?

Yeah, ‘that guy’ with the music. I’m talking to you now. Stop it. No one thinks you are cool. You are annoying and everyone is trying to speed up to get away from your music because it’s giving them a headache. This also applies to loud Harley Davidson motorcycles.

Rule 2: Tape signs on exterior of car, old or young.

I can’t be the only person who has problems turning left. I see a car coming in the distance; do I have time to turn? For me, this is very difficult in Fort Collins. See, turning left is based on where the oncoming car is and how fast they’re going.

The first is obvious, but the second? Is it a college kid going 60 mph or is it an old sweet grandma who is going 30 mph? It’s a big difference and I have been known to guess incorrectly in the past. A sign on the outside of the car would make that guess a lot easier.

Rule 3: Make it legal to hit a cyclist.

I don’t mean that it should be legal to hit every biker you see, tallying points and seeing who can hit the most, though that is fun. I mean that when bicyclists break the law, which they do probably 90 percent of the time and they are inconveniencing me, I should be able to inconvenience them right back.

Colorado Vehicle code says that “Persons operating bicycles on roadways shall ride single file” and “Bicycles shall not taunt cars to hit them. When dark, Stealth Biker = Dead Biker.” I might have made up that last one, but it seems legit.

Rule 4: Learn to drive –– seriously!

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This comes back to the bad drivers thing earlier. Some people need to learn to drive. “This is a two lane street! You don’t get to drive in both at the same time!”

“Thank you for cutting me off and slamming on your brakes in front of me, that’s just great!”

“Does anyone in the whole freaking town know what a yellow light means?!”

“#$%&!”

I’m sure you’ve thought some of these things for yourself; I probably don’t have to explain any more.

Rule 5: Awareness encouragements.

People are not aware of what is going on around them. For example, I bet you didn’t notice that gorilla over there stealing that kid’s lunch before now, did you? No, the far corner. The other far corner. You missed him — you just weren’t aware enough.

I propose we install a device into cars that can tell if the person is aware of the surroundings as a good driver should, or if they are a terrible person. Because there are only those two options. This device will encourage the driver to pay attention with a loud, horrifying noise or maybe a tiny shock. In the long run, it will probably save lives.

Rule 6: Revenge should be legal.

Make it legal to follow people who cut you off multiple times, almost side swipe you, give you the finger and have stupid hippie CU stickers on the back of their car so you can key their car when they get out.

Maybe scratch something along the lines of, “GUESS WHO WON THE FOOTBALL GAME LOSERS?!”

Sarah Romer is a senior electrical engineering major. Her column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.