Aries – The ghost of Babe Ruth once said, “Remember kid: … Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.” But Batman once said, “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.” Your lucky numbers are 1, 6, 15, 23, 73.
Taurus – You typically confront problems head on like a bull. Stop that. You will now need to harness the power of the tortoise. Take it slow, and let everything come together. Patience is key.
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Gemini – The grass is always greener on the other side. You’d have to ask a scientist and a philosopher why that is. If only Bill Nye the Science Guy was a Gemini — then he’d have all the answers.
Cancer – Your Pillsbury crescent has now passed from Gatorade to Powerade. Take to your book of spells, and ride your broomstick to the darkest tower in the woods. You will find yourself at your most powerful.
Leo – By the glow of a lion’s mane, you will shine in isolation. The safari is no longer filled with people and tourists to distract you from the hunt. Take back what is yours, and become the ruler of the jungle.
Virgo – Being a Virgo rocks, or so I’ve heard. You will have many FaceTime calls in the near future. Make sure to wear an oven mitt so your phone doesn’t overheat. It’s risky business overusing technology.
Libra – Your sign is five of the seven letters needed to spell “library,” and that’s pretty tight. Tony Hawk would be proud of you, and he would respect your mojo. Don’t mess that up.
Scorpio – Your sign is really close to the word “scorpion,” which is f*cking radical. Don’t let the bee sting take away from the taste of the PB&J you’re eating. Life has never been so sweet and crunchy at the same time.
Sagittarius – Break out the sitar, and get the incense going. We’re gonna camp in the city park, man. There has never been a better time to drink ice water, but don’t let it cool your vibe. There’s never enough kindness out there, so buy a stranger some dog food.
Capricorn – You share a sign with Ted Cruz, so go forth and be one wild dude or dudette. Don’t let The Muppets tell you what to do. Be your own river, embrace the feelings of wind in your hair and don’t match your socks for once.
Aquarius – The sun only shines for those who aren’t standing in the shade. Be adventurous. Text your ex and tell them they sucked at cooking grilled cheese sandwiches. You’ll thank yourself for it.
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Pisces – Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers preposterously prior to precisely and presumptuously pruning a palate of piebald pumpkins. Carpet dimes, so keep on keeping on, and live life like Larry.
