Dave’s Marketplace: 2 Chainz loses one Chainz in divorce

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical.

Following his divorce trial, rapper and singer/songwriter 2 Chainz was stripped of one half of his possessions. Though sources haven’t confirmed which half he has lost, it is apparent that he will only be “1 Chainz” from now on.

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Chainz’s wife, Lauren Chainz, split up with the rapper after she learned of his affiliation with Playaz Circle – a gift-wrapping group and underground guinea pig trafficking organization out of Saskatchewan, Canada. She claims that she was aware of Mr. Chainz’s past when they were dating 30 years ago, but she didn’t think that he’d ever fall back into his old ways.

Newly divorced 1 Chainz declined to comment on the divorce trial, claiming that he at least thought she would leave him with one and a half Chainz.

Defense attorney and cherry tomato enthusiast Schuylar White released a statement concerning his client, Mr. Chainz:

“The artist formerly known as 2 Chainz is saddened by the recent annulment of his marriage and wishes to be with his son, Half-a-Chainz and his daughter, Three Braceletz Chainz during these trying times,” White declared. “He also claims that there is ‘No Lie’ that can keep he and former Ms. Chainz apart and wishes her to show some ‘Mercy’ on him.”

White was paid three gold chain links for his services to the Chainz family.

While 1 Chainz goes through his divorce, it’s important that nobody make fun of him for his lack of chainz. It’s difficult losing the thing that defines you and makes you who you are, and your wife, too.

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.