Note: This article is satirical.
It’s demon season on the Plaza.
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The infamous CSU Plaza preacher shed his mortal form and revealed himself to be a demon Tuesday. His guise of piety was cast away when his skin melted off, a scaly lizard-like epidermis was revealed and his eyes were set ablaze with black fire.
The malevolent soldier in the eternal fight of good versus evil could not be reached for comment, because no Collegian reporters speak Latin.
A crowd of hundreds of students gathered around the Plaza preacher demon in the morning to pledge their allegiance to the nefarious dark messenger and take Snapchats.
“This dude is the best,” said Paul Snyder, a junior studying business. “I really like the way bats fly out of his mouth when he talks. I like him better this way.”
Other students are not as excited about the arrival of the usher of the end times.
“Everyone on campus thinks the demon is so cool, but it’s distracting from the real issues on campus,” said Beth Rogers, a sophomore studying economics. “Eddy is still under construction.”
Rogers said she is also concerned about sustainability on campus.
“The middle of campus is engulfed in flames, and the sulfur from the hell-fire is not good for the environment,” Rogers said.
Ross Palmer, a Fort Collins resident, has also raised concerns about the arrival of the demonic harbinger of the apocalypse.
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“The demon is too loud,” Palmer said. “Him and his newly-recruited student army have been chanting for 12 hours straight.”
Palmer also said the demon’s arrival has taken a toll on his gardening.
“I can’t tend to my lilacs with the sun blocked by the darkness of a million nights,” Palmer said.
University representative Scott Bryan said the demon’s arrival did not come as a surprise.
“The Plaza preacher’s sign has always said ‘You deserve hell,'” Bryan said. “We honestly should have seen this one coming. That was our bad.”
Collegian News Editor Danny Bishop wishes you a happy April Fools’ Day. In the real world, he can be reached at news@collegian.com.
