How to trick trick-or-treaters: Top ten tricks that are sure to disappoint

Max Sundberg

Halloween, like any American holiday, has too much emphasis on fun and happiness. This year, give your trick-or-treaters a taste of the real world disappointment with these outrageously upsetting treats:

A Handful of Miracle Whip


Kids will cry tears of joy when they walk up your drive, ring the doorbell and receive a full tablespoon dollop of Kraft Miracle Whip glopped right into their little open palms. And, this year, let’s not skimp on flavor. Kids aren’t dumb; they can tell when it’s just regular mayonnaise.


Did you know that bees are among the most popular insects in America? People love bees, so much so that they’re often a popular Halloween costume for children.

Why not surprise trick-or-treaters with their favorite animal this Halloween? They will be fascinated by the bees’ intriguing color patterns and cool buzzing sounds as they swarm your doorstep in the thousands.


Sometimes it can be difficult to keep track of what’s left in the back of your fridge. Halloween is the perfect time to get rid the rest of your famous chili you’ll never finish or that gross eggplant dish your girlfriend insisted on making last weekend. Don’t give your visitors any more than one scoop each. You wouldn’t want anyone getting sick!

Ill-fitting bleached cut off jeans

While you’re cleaning out the fridge, why not clear out the closet? You’re long past the days when you looked like a sexy demigod of the late ‘80s dance floor.

Vintage clothing is a hot commodity for today’s youth. That little mustard stain from the greatest corndog you’ve ever had is a sign of character on those worn-out hip huggers.

Tiny keys that don’t open anything


Over the years, you’ve accumulated thousands of keys­—tiny little guys that you can’t remember for the life of you what they go to.

The wine cellar or the murder dungeon? The safety deposit box or the diary with a lock that you got from the Scholastic Book Fair in third grade?

Kids love anything that’s shiny and jingles. Give these little guys a new home with your trick-or-treaters.

Solved Sudoku books

It’s all about instant gratification these days. Kids don’t have the patience for problem solving and certainly not numbers. Give your trick-or-treaters that warm and fuzzy feeling of accomplishment when they show their mom and dad your old Sudoku books solved in pen.

A Poem

You’ve been working on your Japanese poetry for awhile now, but you don’t quite feel comfortable enough for open mic night at the local coffee shop. We’ve all been there, and it sucks.

This Halloween, hone your poetic skills with a homemade haiku for every visitor. It’s okay to use your fingers for counting syllables. Most of the kids are wearing masks anyway.

You are a pirate

Wow, nice sword that you’ve got there

Eye-patch, eh? O.K.

Uninvited words of wisdom

Don’t let these kids make the same mistakes you made in life. It’s your civic duty to teach them about such topics as divorce, movie theater etiquette and your opinions on the Obama Administration. The greatest gift you can pass onto children is your superior knowledge of how the world is supposed to work.

Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies Volume 3

Kids these days live an active lifestyle, and we all know that quality workout videos can be hard to find. This classic 2001 VHS tape will introduce trick-or-treaters on your block to such hits as The Beach Boys’ “I Get Around” and Bobby Day’s “Rockin’ Robin” as they take part in Simmons’ energetic dance-workouts.

Necco wafers

Kids just can’t get enough of that classic chalky, dry mouth feel that you can only get from Necco Wafers. How do they do it?

The good people at Necco won’t say what’s in the recipe, but food scientists suspect they are made by filling petri dishes with Slim Fast and firing them in a kiln at 1400 degrees for no less than 18 hours.

The persistent heat is said to be what turns the dietary beverage into the finest of sedimentary snack disks.

If you don’t get enough trick-or-treaters this year, fear not! You can enjoy these tasty little disks by yourself. They pair well with a piping hot mug of Chardonnay and a big bowl of shrimp flavored instant ramen noodles.