Seriously

Seriously: Lam the Ram apprehended for serial bike theft

Callum Burke, Opinion Columnist • December 6, 2021

More information is available on the cloaked bike thief roaming around campus. Allen Wrench, the Colorado State University sophomore who brought this issue to light, devised a plan to catch the vile person stealing bikes.

Seriously: Have a very merry Craigslist season

Bella Eckburg, Opinion Editor • December 2, 2021

The holiday season is now in full swing, and you know what that means! It’s time to dig deep into the holiday spirit! The stress of gift-giving and decorating your home to ensure that your family doesn’t appear dysfunctional to the rest of the neighborhood can make a person crazy, so here I am, giving you the gift of all gifts: A very merry Craigslist Christmas. 

Seriously: Cloaked bike thief at large around campus

Callum Burke, Opinion Columnist • November 30, 2021

Shortly after coming back to Colorado State University’s campus after fall break, sophomore Allen Wrench discovered that his bike had been stolen yet again. “I was fed up to say the least,” Wrench said. “Even my roommate’s bike got stolen last month and his bike was a piece of shit.”

Seriously: Freshman gets nose ring and tattoo instead of personality

Dylan Tusinski • November 8, 2021

Earlier this week, Colorado State University freshman LaKynn Miller, who had just joined the Alpha Sigma Sigma sorority, got a nose ring in her left nostril and a line tattoo of a mountain range on her forearm instead of developing a real personality. Miller, who just moved to Fort Collins from Long Beach, California, at the start of the semester, said that it felt like a Colorado thing to do.

Seriously: Steal those exit signs, comrades

Cody Cooke • October 31, 2021

If you’re afraid of devious, nefarious and diabolical licks, then stop reading this at once you law-abiding marshmallow. On the off chance that you aren’t some scheming snitch, listen to this - some scoundrels have been swiping exit signs by the dozen from an apartment building in Fort Collins.

Seriously: Have fun behind bars, exit sign stealers

Bella Eckburg • October 31, 2021

In the past few weeks, you might have noticed more than a few exit sign mounts hanging empty, wires live and dangling. No this isn’t some sick joke. Immature, attention-seeking twats just can’t resist getting their grubby fingers on one of those incredibly useful signs.  I know y’all think using these signs for decor is funny or whatever, but I promise that they will only be used for their intended purpose: directing your guests to high-tail it out of your nasty apartment. 

Seriously: Your very own spooky Halloween itinerary

Bella Eckburg • October 27, 2021

It’s spooky season, and that means it’s time to do some spooky shit with your friends. Grab your mug, fill it to the brim with warm apple cider, settle in and grab a pen — you definitely want to take notes. I present to you the itinerary for your Halloween evening.

Seriously: 7 sexy costumes for men to wear this Halloween

Nathaniel McKissick • October 24, 2021

Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s time for everyone to put on their best costumes, get blackout drunk and throw up in the backseat of an Uber while a friend shoots an apologetic glance at the driver. Cady Heron, the protagonist of the iconic teen comedy "Mean Girls" once described Halloween as, “the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.”

Seriously: How to gaslight a woman in 5 simple steps

Katrina Leibee • October 20, 2021

Men, you’ve likely watched generations of men before you call their girlfriends crazy. Since the dawn of time men have been gaslighting women. For those of you who aren’t quite as experienced, to gaslight means to emotionally manipulate someone and have them question their own sanity.

Seriously: How to properly ride a Spin scooter

Dylan Tusinski • October 17, 2021

Back in the good ole days of 2019, Fort Collins was introduced to a new vermin — the Bird Scooter. The pay-as-you-use electric scooters flocked their way into town, littering themselves all over Colorado State University's campus, Old Town and the entire city of Fort Collins.

Seriously: Why self-care is good for you

Cat Blouch • October 10, 2021

Unless you’re living under a rock, you may have noticed that self-care is all the rage right now. I’m not sure why it takes a social media trend for you to brush your teeth and practice basic personal hygiene, but as long as I don’t have to smell your rank body odor, I’m not complaining.

Seriously: Why self-care is bad for you

Bella Eckburg • October 10, 2021

The online world is buzzing with motivational posts about self-care and how we should be on top of our mental health.  While I partook in my daily doom-scroll on Instagram, I began to notice a bombardment of posts about how you should exercise to release endorphins, leave your house to hang out with people you care about, etc.