Seriously: Your very own spooky Halloween itinerary

Bella Eckburg

Illustration of a group of friends, one being a person, the second a demon, and the third a ghost holding up a peace sign
(Graphic Illustration by Trin Bonner | The Collegian)

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It’s spooky season, and that means it’s time to do some spooky shit with your friends. Grab your mug, fill it to the brim with warm apple cider, settle in and grab a pen — you definitely want to take notes. I present to you the itinerary for your Halloween evening.

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As autumn envelops our community and the chilly air stings your nostrils, you want to have one thing down pat — your costume. In the wise words of Cardi B, “a hoe never gets cold,” and that’s something you and your ghoul-friends should keep in mind.

Get out your ferociously pungent Bath & Body Works candles, girlies! It’s time to summon demons.”

It doesn’t matter where your psychic intuition takes you — you can always “slut it up.” Sexy farmer, sexy corn, sexy cow — the list goes on. Soon enough, the whole barnyard will be entering a hoe phase. Now that’s the spirit of the season, isn’t it? After all, autumn is cuffing season.

After you’ve had a night full of more tricks than treats, get out your ferociously pungent Bath & Body Works candles, girlies! It’s time to summon demons.

Ouija boards are easy to get; they’re literally sold by Hasbro, a toy company. As you all hold hands and open the door between our world and the next, it’s recommended that you also surround yourself in mirrors just to get the full effect. Now, I feel like I’m losing you, but there are no bad vibes at girls’ night.

By the time the girl to your right begins writhing with the spirit of holy hell, it might be time to get some fresh air. Say goodbye with the planchette, and blow out your candles one by one.

At this point, the aggressive thudding of footsteps in the attic is getting a little annoying, so let’s go shopping — er, grave robbing. I mean, it’s 2021: Stop engaging with fast fashion because it’s literally killing the Earth. Get thrifty, bitch.

Listen, we’re not doing anything gross; we’re just borrowing. Chill out. When life gives you a shovel and student loans, you dig, baby. Obviously, the girl with the shortest nails will be tasked with digging, so maybe plan ahead on that one.

Haunted dolls make for a great conversation starter, especially when the dolls start the conversation for themselves.”

Speaking of thrifting, have you ever wanted to get a pet but you’re conflicted because you live in an apartment with two roommates who don’t want to deal with dog hair? Haunted dolls, dude.

You can find them on eBay or in a thrift store — think of it as pet practice. Plus, it could help you with redecorating your room in the middle of the night, which keeps your life interesting.

Sure, maybe your keys will go missing or your home will become riddled with cold spots, but again, these suggestions for your spooky schedule are not for wimps.

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Haunted dolls make for a great conversation starter, especially when the dolls start the conversation for themselves. After all, aren’t we all just souls trapped in a flesh vessel carrying our disembodied voices? It’s not the demon’s problem that it chose a Raggedy Ann doll as its vessel — 2021 is all about gingers.

Also, yes, it helps that gingers have no souls and therefore ample space for a demon to fill that sulking void. Talk about roommates, am I right? I just hope that demon can cover half of your rent.

Once you feel like you’ve had your fill of spooktastic fun, it’s time to settle in for some ghost stories. Personally, I like to call my cousin in maximum security prison for a little ambiance in the background. Nothing feels scarier than the sound of murderers yelling through the receiver.

After y’all settle in, you have the option to cast all of the demons out of your house, but I don’t know why someone would do that. Living life on the edge with a few ghosts doesn’t seem like a major issue, especially if you’re actually committed to seeing the season through.

Ever heard of cabin fever? Demons get that too. No one wants to hang out in shitty weather, and I’m sure they’ll leave on their own to head back to their home base in Florida. We all know Florida is a portal to hell, and the heat sure is enticing after spending your days possessing the innocent.

Have the spookiest of Halloweens, and stay safe — but not too safe because where’s the fun in that?

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.