Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Back in the good ol’ days of 2019, Fort Collins was introduced to a new vermin — the Bird scooter.

The pay-as-you-use electric scooters flocked their way into town, littering themselves all over Colorado State University’s campus, Old Town and the entire City of Fort Collins. After the pandemic sent students home, Bird scooters flew the coop, leaving Spin scooters to take their place when students returned to in-person classes.

Even though these money-eating scooters have been here for a relatively long time, it still seems like there’s some confusion on how to properly ride them. Well, worry no longer, my fellow students. I’ve come to save the day and teach everybody how to take Spin scooters for a spin.

Make sure to always ride on the sidewalk

Even though Spin scooters are real, bona fide modes of vehicular transportation that demand to be taken seriously, it’s important to remember they don’t necessarily belong on the road. Riding in the streets is scary, even when you’re in the bike lane.

I mean, with all those cars whizzing by you, who would want to be right beside them in the road? That’s why it’s important to ride your Spin scooters on the sidewalk 100% of the time. Bonus points if you plow your way through groups of pedestrians, too.

You’re paying for the thing; you have the right to park it wherever you see fit. In the middle of the bike lane? On someone’s lawn? Right in the center of The Plaza? Who cares?”

If you’re not riding on the sidewalks, ride in the middle of the road

I know I just said you should always ride on the sidewalks, but I’m gonna be honest with you — that’s a lie. Sidewalks are just for newbie Spinners. We more experienced Spin riders know the best place to ride your scooter is right in the road.

Technically speaking, Spin scooters are motor vehicles, just like cars and motorcycles. Who’s to say you don’t belong right in the middle of the lane, even if your maximum speed is only 15 miles per hour?

Bring a Bluetooth speaker with you wherever you go

Let’s be real here: Half the people on Spin scooters don’t really ride them because they need to. We could all buy bikes, longboards, unicycles or other methods of getting from place to place if we really wanted to. The appeal of Spin scooters is their vibes.

With their little electric whirring as you rev them up, horrible screeching when you slightly move them without paying and annoyingly eye-catching orange-red paint, who doesn’t love the aura these things give off? You can easily boost that already immaculate energy by carrying around a Bluetooth speaker and absolutely blasting tunes as you whiz across campus. Extra credit if you blast some annoying EDM music or SoundCloud rap.

Always remember to pay no mind to the world around you and drive selfishly, drive recklessly and drive like an *sshole.”

Park that thing wherever you want

Something a lot of people who have never seen Spin scooters before don’t understand is there’s no etiquette when it comes to parking the scooters. Most people assume it’s best to park them on the side of the sidewalk, near bike racks or somewhere out of the way.

In reality, it doesn’t work that way. You’re paying for the thing; you have the right to park it wherever you see fit. In the middle of the bike lane? On someone’s lawn? Right in the center of The Plaza? Who cares? Your Spin scooter belongs wherever is most convenient for you.

Go as fast as you want

This is one of the more simple tips in this list: Ride your scooter as fast as you can. Whether you’re flying down The Plaza on your way to class, speeding through the Intramural Fields or riding through Old Town as you go bar to bar on a Thursday night, go as fast as you can. You’re paying good money to ride that scooter, so who’s to tell you how fast or slow you should be able to ride it? I mean, come on, speed limits are only for cars anyway.

These are five tips and tricks to help you learn how to actually ride a Spin scooter. I know they can be confusing to those who haven’t ridden Spin Scooters before, so I want to clarify there’s one important rule behind all of those tips: When you’re riding a Spin scooter, no one matters except for you.

Take things at your own pace, whether that means you’re going half a mile an hour or you’re absolutely booking it. Always remember to pay no mind to the world around you and drive selfishly, drive recklessly and drive like an *sshole.

Dylan Tusinski can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @unwashedtiedye.