Seriously: Have fun behind bars, exit sign stealers

Bella Eckburg

Cam the Ram shrugging under the text 'seriously'
(Graphic Illustration by Alyson Serio | The Collegian)

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In the past few weeks, you might have noticed more than a few exit sign mounts hanging empty, wires live and dangling. No, this isn’t some sick joke. Immature, attention-seeking twats just can’t resist getting their grubby fingers on one of those incredibly useful signs. 

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I know y’all think using these signs for decor is funny or whatever, but I promise they will only be used for their intended purpose: directing your guests to high-tail it out of your nasty apartment. 

When a guest walks into your home, their nostrils will be immediately falcon-punched by the smell of your dirty laundry, warm beer and bad attitude. Your decor choices are about as good as your grades after they all become Fs when you’re unceremoniously expelled.

Cody Cooke, known criminal and asshole, argues that, by stealing exit signs, you’re sure to go down in history as the most devious licker. 

I’ll tell you what else is a devious lick: the tongue of your cellmate on your neck when you’re behind bars! 

When you steal exit signs, you’re a murderer because you clearly want everyone in your apartment building to burn alive. It’s a fire hazard. 

Stealing exit signs is also a clear indicator of little-man syndrome because your stupid 5-foot-6-inch head couldn’t dream of being zapped by all of those exposed wires.

Are you attracted to the smell of burning flesh, you sick freak? Disgusting. The devil will dish it right back tenfold when you spend the rest of eternity sizzling in hell. 

Thanks for offering to hold my hand, Cooke. I’m sure it’ll feel great in your clammy, criminal palm. As a hero, I would attempt to lead you by memory to the safest exit, but I can’t promise we’ll make it out alive.

Devious licks are a trend, but you obviously have a peer pressure issue you need to discuss with a therapist if you think it’s a good idea to participate.

If an app like TikTok that’s full of hilarious cat videos and DIY recipes can influence your descent into criminality, a chill is running up my spine when I think about you downloading Pinterest. 

Stealing exit signs is also a clear indicator of little-man syndrome because your stupid 5-foot-6-inch head couldn’t dream of being zapped by all of those exposed wires. Is that why you’re stealing them? Do you need to eliminate the competition? Do you need to show these sexy bitches that little boy has hops?

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Well, jump to it, buddy. Maybe it’ll prepare you for getting jumped in prison. Everyone knows prisoners don’t take kindly to arsonists, especially when their intent is to kill every single person in a college apartment. 

These are young minds! Future doctors, lawyers and biologists. It’s absolutely appalling that you want them all to die a horrible death because of your pure greed. 

Stealing exit signs is the worst crime imaginable, and it shows that you couldn’t possibly successfully exist within our society. I’ll show you an exit when I personally take you out to protect the future of our nation. 

Read Cody Cooke’s side of this debate.

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.