Recent college graduate James Heath is a week into what he was anticipating to be “the best summer ever.”

On Saturday, he drank one too many celebratory margaritas and drunk texted his ex-girlfriend.

“I basically told her that she was an idiot for letting me go, and that I was the best guy she’d ever be with,” Heath said. Several texts later, he added he was nothing without her and that he did not, in fact, lose her sweater.

“I know where it is, I just like to hold it and cry sometimes,” Heath said.

On Monday, Heath flew back to his hometown to move in with his parents while he spends the summer looking for work. Heath made it clear that this was just a temporary situation, and that it is just a matter of time before he gets a “sweet pad with some buddies from high school.”

After texting some old colleagues and finding that most were unavailable to “kick it like the old days”, Heath found post-grad life to be much lonelier than he anticipated. He proceeded to wear the same pair of underwear for three days consecutively. However, Heath remains optimistic that this summer will be the best summer ever.

“This summer is going to be off-the-chain, just absolutely crazy,” said Heath. “Yeah, totally wild. Straight insane.”

Heath’s mother will be making casserole for dinner tonight.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at blogs@collegian.com or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.