It was time to break out some of Florida’s finest on Monday as Colorado State University President Joyce McConnell kicked off a campus-wide celebration of reaching the halfway point in the spring semester.

With over three dozen tubs of freshly-cut orange slices and a few granola bars in hand, President McConnell played host to the University’s official halftime party in the basement of the insectary building. 

“Oh, I just love orange slices,” McConnell said during the event. “With all their sweet golden juice that makes everything you touch unbelievably sticky and slightly gross, they are the perfect way to energize students and get them to finish this Godforsaken semester.”

While the basement of the insectary building may have seemed like an obscure location, University public relations representative Mike Hooker said it was the only location available at the time. 

“With never-ending campus construction and a lack of open green spaces like the IM fields or lagoon field, we had to get creative in finding a location,” Hooker said at a press conference following the event. 

“We couldn’t just take over the new stadium,” Hooker added. “That stadium can only be used for below average football teams or as an off-the-beaten-path classroom for students who have their next class in Guggenheim (Hall) on Mondays and Wednesdays.”

Although the University touted the celebration as a sweeping success, claiming to have given away over 13,207 pounds of orange slices to bright-eyed and bushy-tailed students who appeared to be held against their will at the gathering, a Colorado Open Records Act request made by The Wake Up Slap revealed that CSU only purchased and gave away six pounds of oranges and one box of Quaker Oats mixed with chocolate chips.

“To be honest, I was really disappointed,” said Micah Rundle, a sophomore majoring in architectural design and competitive dessert baking. 

“I couldn’t even find the insectary building, which is sad because oranges are my favorite kind of fruit, and I heard the slices were available at a reduced cost for students who are buried in debt, like me,” Rundle added. 

As the event pressed on, McConnell continuously touted the quality of the orange slices and appeared to go off script occasionally. 

“Oh, I just love orange slices,” she appeared to mutter to herself throughout the event. At one point, concerned University officials had to correct her when she began rambling about the 25th Amendment and incorrectly called the orange slices “apple fritters.” 

During the press conference celebrating McConnell’s orange slice celebration, Hooker and other University officials switched to defense as they fielded questions about how many students attended the celebration.

“This was the largest audience to ever witness an orange slice celebration, period, both in-person and around the globe,” a visibly shaking Hooker said while pounding the table with his fist and frothing at the mouth. 

The only other attendee, Krissy Jones, found the event to be lacking and said she didn’t plan on attending next year’s celebration. 

“I found this event to be lacking, and I’m not planning on attending next year’s celebration,” Jones said after wandering out of the insectary building only minutes after the celebration began, at which point McConnell gave a victory speech.

But McConnell had more in store for the celebration than just her beloved orange slices. 

At one point she turned over a storage container holding rare insect specimens from across Africa and Australia and announced to the nearly empty room she had a special incentive for jaded, overtaxed students who are looking to finish the school year before they give up all hope. 

“For anyone who finishes this school year with at least one passing grade in Canvas, I will be hosting another party with Capri Suns and brownies,” McConnell said just before downing an entire pint of orange juice and challenging a graduate student to an arm wrestling match. 

Forrest Czarnecki can be reached at editor@collegian.com or on Twitter @forrestczar.