Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
With the rise of squirrels on campus resulting in many medical incidents, with multiple students reporting lacerations after supposedly being mistaken for food, Colorado State University has declared a state of emergency for those traveling around campus.
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One business in Fort Collins is ready to take action: Squirrel No More! opened last month on West Elizabeth Street. Their motto is, “Go nuts over our high-quality equipment!”
Arthur Arachide is the store’s owner and provider of all equipment in squirrel-hunting needs, including protective chew-proof vests, acorn launchers and human decoys. The shop advocates for all students to be prepared in the event of a squirrel-related incident.
“I swear, it’s always the ones who think they’re safe who end up being a victim,” Arachide said. “One day, you’re going to find yourself eating a RAMwich outside of Braiden Hall, and the next thing you know, three squirrels are on you and going crazy over your sandwich. You don’t want that, do you?”
In an exclusive interview, Abigail Nutt provided insight into her vicious and scary attack earlier this month.
“It jumped off the roof of Braiden, then landed on the tree above me, then dropped on my head,” Nutt said. “When I woke up, I was in the back of an ambulance.”
Because of the recent incidents, Squirrel No More! will be offering 10% off all items in the store if you have a RamCard.
John Nueces, a sophomore at CSU, plans to take action and begin fighting against the squirrels on campus.
“I stopped by that new shop that opened up to pick up supplies after I heard the state of emergency announcement,” Nueces said. “The squirrels won’t know what hit them. I got a chew-proof vest that will stop them in their tracks.”
When asked about the quality of Squirrel No More! materials a week later, Nueces was unable for comment after being admitted to a local hospital for squirrel-related injuries. A squirrel reportedly burrowed its way into the aforementioned vest and bit the student.
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It is speculated that if these incidents keep occurring, CSU will officially declare war on the squirrels.
Lenny Noix, a professor in the journalism and media communication department, expressed his opinion on the matter.
“I’ve seen how they operate — how they prey,” Noix said. “They’re angry little monsters. I suspect once we go into war, Clark C will be a home base of sorts, storing protective equipment, with the Behavioral Sciences Building serving as a battle station. With numerous windows and patios, we’ll have direct line of sight to those beasts. God help us all.”
It is advised by CSU to carry some food in your backpack when traveling campus in case a squirrel begins chasing you. Simply throw the food in an opposite direction to distract the squirrel, and run. It is also advised to stay away from trees and grassy areas on campus at this time.
Reach Carmy Aioli at life@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
