Seeing as it is Valentine’s Day you may be receiving a heinously gigantic teddy bear or perhaps a nice, equally large box of chocolates from the closest Walgreen’s. Or maybe you will be getting something a little less innocuous. You might be getting jiggy with it.

Because, for many of you, the horizontal mambo is on the horizon let me share with you some sexy time info. Although sex is entirely subjective and definitions vary across the board, here is what I believe: sex is when one or more people engage in a, or multiple, sexual act(s). But what constitutes a sexual act? I believe they fall into the four categories below:

Masturbation:

That is right. Masturbation can be sex, and pretty much everyone does it. Babies do it, grandmas do it, your neighbors do it and you probably do it too.

Masturbation is typically known as the act of pleasuring oneself: flicking the bean, beef strokenoff, finger painting, jerkin’ the gherkin. You get the point. However masturbation does not have to be a solo mission. Enter the magic of mutual masturbation.

Mutual masturbation exists under varying definitions. It can occur without contact in which two or more people masturbate in each others’ presence. An example of this is the so-called circle jerk. Mutual masturbation can also involve two or more people manually stimulating each other’s genitals, more commonly known as petting.

Masturbation can be done over clothes, underwear or can be in your birthday suit; it is all about personal preference. One of the many perks about masturbation is that, in addition to being fun, it practically eliminates your chances of unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection or disease.

Frottage:

Frottage is a weird word. It sounds more like a Victorian-era undergarment or a French folk dance than a sexual activity, but it is in fact…humping. Or grinding. Take your pick.

Frottage falls under two main classes: dry humping and wet humping. Dry humping typically occurs over the clothes, implying no transfer of fluids. Wet humping, however, is usually enacted with less clothing and involves the potential for fluid transfer, hence its name.

Dry humping, like masturbation, almost guarantees no risk of catching an STI or a pregnancy. Conversely, wet humping offers no such protections. Any direct genital-to-genital contact poses a possibility of infection and, although rare, pre-cum (or pre-ejaculate) can contain sperm and can cause unintended pregnancy.

Oral Sex:

Oral sex involves mouth-to-sexual orifice contact resulting in a pleasure response. Although oral sex is often not considered “real sex” all kinds of oral sex are very real and very common forms of getting down. The three main kinds of are as follows:

Cunnilingus, otherwise known as eating out, involves the stimulation of female external genitalia via tongue, lips and teeth. How to eat an Egg McMuff really depends on who is receiving it. Some like hard, direct clitoral pressure and suction. Others like indirect pressure and more focus on the labia, the lips of the vulva. Some like both, neither or something else entirely. Clam diving is an art so take a peach and practice, you cunning linguist.

Fellatio, or the blow job, is the act of stimulating male genitalia via tongue, lips and teeth. Bobbing for apples, contrary to popular belief, is not just “mouth plus penis equals orgasm,” although that certainly can and does work. A good ol’ mouth hug can be a lot more nuanced than that; it can involve massaging the testicles, stimulating the prostate gland or stimulating the perineum (otherwise known as the taint). Fellatio, just like cunnilingus, is about personal preferences.

Analingus, fondly known as eating ass, is the act of stimulating the outer anal sphincter with tongue, lips and teeth. Rim jobs have been receiving a lot of lip service (pun intended) recently but are still often denounced as being unsanitary and overtly weird. Tossing salad is not an uncommon activity or desire; the anus is a highly sensitive area so it makes sense that people want a little butt play in their lives. Although it can present health risks, so can most other kinds of sexual contact. The best way to prevent the spread of STIs and harmful bacteria is to use dental dams and condoms when having oral sex.

Penetrative/Enveloping Sex:

Ah, yes. The most notorious of all sex acts. Although penis-in-vagina is the most well-known act, penetrative/enveloping sex comes in many flavors.

Vaginal sex is the act of inserting an object into or enveloping an object with the vagina. It can be a penis, it can be a finger, it can be a dildo, a strap on or it even a candlestick if you are into that sort of thing. Boppin’ squiddles involves a little more risk than other kinds of sex so it is important to use contraception, particularly barrier methods if you want to avoid pesky STIs. If fingers are involved it is important to ensure that fingernails are well groomed and recently washed because all vaginas deserve a clean, manicured hand. When using toys or objects it is also important to protect yourself or your partner(s) by bagging those puppies up. Just because objects are not alive does not mean they cannot carry diseases. Condoms are also generally useful for lubrication and comfort.

Anal sex is the act of inserting an object into or enveloping an object with the anus. As previously mentioned anal sex can be performed with anything from a penis to a strap on to a finger. Contrary to popular belief uphill gardening can be for everyone! It requires some prep and some patience and a lot of lube, but plenty folks enjoy it. Just a word to the wise, STIs can still be transmitted through anal sex so condoms are recommended.

With all that in mind, skiddlypoop responsibly and have a safe, sexy Valentine’s Day.