Lacrosse teams trade sticks for lightsabers

Taylor Paumen

photoshop image of lacrosse players holding light sabers
Some super sick LAX bros totally shred the field while facing off with some sick new sticks that use kyber crystals to make them totally radical. (Smack Attackit | The Unprecedented Times)

The Colorado State club lacrosse teams have seen a massive increase in walk-on players this season. You might be wondering why, especially after the COVID-19 polyamorous halted all in-person activity.

Is it because the men’s and women’s teams are number one in the country and can recruit purely on reputation? Absolutely not, because that’s not true. It’s because the Men’s and Women’s Collegiate Lacrosse Associations have made massive changes to equipment regulations in an effort to appeal to wider demographics to save the dying sport. 

In an effort to save the sport from fading into irrelevance, the league has given players a new option for their weapon of choice on the field. While a midfield player is used to grabbing their 30-40-inch stick, they can now choose a 3-foot long lightsaber. For goalies, the double-bladed lightsaber made famous by Darth Maul will take the place of the traditional goalie stick.

The CLA has also offered a variety of color options so each university can pick ones that best align with their school spirit.

After clearing it with the sport clubs office, a final decision was made early last week regarding the new color scheme CSU athletes will brandish. Colorado State will abide by Star Wars canon to help bridge the gap between the athlete and nerd demographics and incorporate the traditional green lightsaber of the Jedis into team play — while also staying true to school colors.

The thought process behind this pop culture equipment overhaul is that it will make lacrosse more accessible to the masses. Whether you are just a recreational Jedi or take part in the more serious live-action role-playing found in City Park every Sunday, the hope is that the switch to lightsabers will help to even the playing field and entice more prospective athletes beyond just your standard east coast LAX bro. 

However, with the introduction of deadly weaponry, many will have some questions surrounding the danger of getting an appendage cut off at the hands of an intergalactic sword. 

“What if I get my arm cut off by a lightsaber?” 

No need to worry — the CLA has got you covered. Along with the new lightsabers, they are also releasing a whole new line of lacrosse gear for men and women that will help mitigate the potential danger. 

Ever heard of beskar? If you’re in the nerd part of the population, then you are already very aware. Athletes, listen up. Beskar is a metal that can withstand being struck by a lightsaber. 

Feel like the Mandalorian yet? Well, you’re halfway there. Beskar will be added into to the athletes’s chest, elbow and hand protection along with an entirely new helmet completely made from the material.

Convinced that lacrosse is now the coolest sport in the world? If so, you can head to the CSU lacrosse team’s Facebook page to submit a walk-on application and start your path to becoming the greatest lacrosse Jedi of the century. 

Editor’s NoteThis is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. 

The Unprecedented Times reporter Taylor Skywalker can be reached at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @TayTayPau.