The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Seriously: Campus safety in question as squirrels take over

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • November 6, 2023

It is advised that students stay away from campus for the foreseeable future. Safety has been compromised by a serious threat. And anyone who tries to come to campus could be in imminent danger. Please remain indoors until the threat has been dealt with by the local authorities.

Seriously: Expect these Halloween costumes this year

McKenna Van Voris, Collegian Columnist • October 26, 2023

For a lot of people, finding a popular costume that is fashionable can be a struggle. But if you want to know what the crowd has planned for this Halloween, make sure you get your hands on one of these highly sought-after costumes before they’re sold out in stores.

Seriously: 5 ways to tell your roommate to fill the Brita

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 18, 2023

Most of us know that roommate life has its perks — split rent, constant companionship, a brotherhood or sisterhood or whatever you like to call it — but along with sharing a room comes sharing commodities: a joint fridge, toilet paper that runs out twice as fast and, if you really like the person, maybe even a comb with the loving entanglement of both your hairs. Living with another person is an adjustment. But none of these lifestyle adjustments come close to sharing the demon that is the Brita filter.

Seriously: Top things to avoid this Homecoming weekend

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • October 11, 2023

Homecoming season has officially descended upon Colorado State University. Alumni, faculty and students alike are gearing up for a week of traditional celebrations, sporting events and school spirit. Homecoming week is the highlight of the fall semester for many in the Fort Collins area.

Seriously: New study reveals the biology of a true Ram

Ivy Secrest, Content Managing Editor • October 11, 2023

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s...

Seriously: Parents return to their roots during Homecoming

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 10, 2023

The last thing I expected when Mom stepped off the plane was the half barrel keg sloshing behind her.

Seriously: CDC announces sleeveless shirts as new frat flu symptom

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 3, 2023

As the leaves begin to turn and the temperatures begin to drop this upcoming week, preventing the October sicknesses that plague campus is of utmost importance. For those who frequent the Colorado State University fraternities, however, another symptom is just on the horizon, sweeping across the solo-cup masses.

Seriously: 5 fresh word names for your baby Ram

Adah McMillan, Copy Chief • September 27, 2023

“What's in a name?” William Shakespeare famously wrote. “That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell as sweet.” This is a pretty statement, but we all know nobody actually believes that. Shakespeare probably just felt crappy about having a name as boring as William.

Seriously: Illnesses tie us together

Jenn Dawson, Science Director • September 18, 2023

As Rams, our friendship is evergreen. The ties that bind us together are more precious than gold. Our voices are as bright and bold as the “A” on a mountainside directing traffic in the sky. Side by side, we acquire knowledge, expertise and memories for a lifetime.

Seriously: CSU mascot uniform destroyed; CU student suspected

Dominique Lopez, Opinion Director • September 13, 2023

These Colorado State University and University of Colorado Boulder rivalries are seriously starting to get out of hand. Just last night while I was scrolling on the news, I learned that there is a case being made against a person in CAM’s office chanting sko’ buffs down the halls.

Seriously: Committing to failing my classes for The Collegian

Bella Eckburg, Opinion Director • May 4, 2023

All of a sudden, I find myself in the last week of classes and inching toward that graduation stage, praying I don’t eat shit in my heels in front of everyone. The anxiety is borderline flesh-eating, and I just realized that the body doesn’t come with the dress I ordered online for graduation, so it drags behind me like a medieval train. I, unfortunately, am not six feet tall.

Seriously: CSU unfairly punishes students who don’t care about school

Aaron Peck, Staff Reporter • April 19, 2023

College is a place where individuals go to expand their worldview, learn new skills and increase their chances of achieving success. On the other hand, college provides many with their first taste of freedom. College is supposed to be a space for higher education where all people can come for the possibility of a better future. However, a disturbing pattern has been discovered across virtually every school in the country that is leaving some students disappointed with their college experience.