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Seriously: 5 fresh word names for your baby Ram

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Collegian | Trin Bonner

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

“What’s in a name?” William Shakespeare famously wrote. “That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell as sweet.” This is a pretty statement, but we all know nobody actually believes that. Shakespeare probably just felt crappy about having a name as boring as William.

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The most important parental obligation is by far name selection, but it can be difficult to find a substantial and unique name in our repetitive and overpopulated world. So, future parents, be better than Shakespeare by stepping away from the crowd and giving your kid a name with meaning and singularity. This list is a great place to start.

1. Coroner

Occupation names are all the rage these days — think Hunter, Shepherd, Piper — and Coroner deserves to be at the top of your list. Give some honor and recognition to the often forgotten public servants who help us out with the toughest tasks. It’s never too early to get on the good side of your child’s future medical examiner.

This name is also great if you’re in your Wednesday Addams era but don’t want to be too obvious with something like Lucifer or Ebony. Coroner is dreary enough for goths but sophisticated enough for dark academia, and you really can’t get more versatile than that.

Potential nicknames: Cory, Coco, Roro, Oreo, Corona, Coromeo

2. Banjo

Want to give your kid a cool music name but don’t want anything stuffy like Wolfgang or Carol? Banjo is fun, upbeat and interesting. Set yourself apart from those parents who force their kids to learn the piano by placing your child on the minstrel career track.

Also, imagine how cute it would be to sing “Oh! Susanna” to your baby with this name. When you get to the “I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee” part, be sure to bounce your lively little Banjo on your own knee to illustrate the lyrics.

Potential nicknames: Jojo, Banny, Banjomin, Banjoseph, Banjosephine, Guitar But Better

3. Expedite

I know this name doesn’t really roll off the tongue, and that is a quality sore to lack when you’re yelling at your kid, trying to get them to expedite their room cleaning. So I suggest you spice up the pronunciation with some Greek inspiration. Say “Expedite” like you would “Aphrodite”: ex-puh-DIET-tee.

Additionally, if you start using this name while your child is still in the womb, the labor and delivery process will definitely go by more quickly. Manifestation is real.

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Potential nicknames: X, T, Accelerate, Speed Demon, Lightning McQueen

4. &

The name &, pronounced “ampersand” or “and” if you’re lazy, is perfect for anyone who wants to one-up Elon Musk. Becoming a billionaire is difficult and boring, but writing “&” on a birth certificate is easy, fun and clever.

& is even better if you’re on your second kid and planning for a third. Face the middle-child syndrome head on by acknowledging off the bat that your second kid is just there to bridge the gap between the family therapist and the family baby.

Potential nicknames: Andy, Sandy, Amy, Amp, Also, ;, +, /

5. Felony

Melanie is out, and Felony is in. This name is so cute and unique, it should be a crime. Get a head start on your kid’s rebellious phase by setting your expectations high.

Alternatively, Felony is a great way to put some reverse psychology into play. Have you met anyone named Grace or Patience who is actually graceful or patient? Exactly. Chances are a teen named Felony won’t even dare jaywalk for fear the cops will get a real kick out of arresting them.

Potential nicknames: Fifi, Ella, Arson, Embezzlement, Robbery, Disorderly Conduct

Reach Adah McMillan at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @mcadahmillan.

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About the Contributors
Adah McMillan
Adah McMillan, Copy Chief
Adah McMillan is the copy chief for The Collegian and is enthusiastic for another year working with the copy desk. McMillan is a junior majoring in journalism and media communications and minoring in computer science. She hails from Longmont, Colorado. As copy chief, McMillan safeguards the readability and credibility of The Collegian. She works with the night editor and other copy editors to edit all print and online articles for grammar, style and accuracy. Editing is one of McMillan’s favorite things to do. She loves being involved in The Collegian’s production and learning about Colorado State University and the Fort Collins community as she edits content. McMillan also enjoys playing the piano, rereading her favorite books, rewatching her favorite shows and drinking Coke Zero. When she isn’t being thusly sedentary, she’s walking around campus to soak in some sunlight and daydream about moving to Thailand. McMillan often says it’s hard for her to think about her future career because she already works her dream job. The Collegian is a community of passionate, intelligent people working for the grand cause of student journalism, and McMillan is thrilled to take part in that purpose.
Trin Bonner
Trin Bonner, Illustration Director
Trin Bonner is the illustration director for The Collegian newspaper. This will be her third year in this position, and she loves being a part of the creative and amazing design team at The Collegian. As the illustration director, Bonner provides creative insight and ideas that bring the newspaper the best graphics and illustrations possible. She loves working with artists to develop fun and unique illustrations every week for the readers. Bonner is a fourth-year at Colorado State University studying electronic arts. She loves illustrating and comic making and has recently found enjoyment in experimental video, pottery and graphic design. Outside of illustration and electronic art, Bonner spends her free time crocheting and bead making. She is usually working on a blanket or making jewelry when she is not drawing, illustrating or brainstorming.

Comments (2)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
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  • C

    Caden ProulxSep 27, 2023 at 6:13 pm

    I love this list!

    Reply
  • D

    Damon McMillanSep 27, 2023 at 3:32 pm

    Brilliant! Too bad your parents weren’t this creative – otherwise they might have come up with something better than “Adah.”

    Reply