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Seriously: Parents return to their roots during Homecoming

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Collegian | Eli Crocker

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Nobody expected their mom to step off the plane last year with a half-barrel keg sloshing behind.

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When parents say that college was the best time of their life, a completely different picture comes to mind. One might assume that they miss the community, the meal plan or the invigorating rivalries, but the minute last year’s parents pulled out white T-shirts with “Fifty, flirty and single!” written on them in pen, that assumption was strongly disproved. Don’t repeat last year’s mistakes — it’s time to prepare for the parents.

“I’m hip,” said Nattasha Light, Colorado State University alum and mother of three. “That’s it. That’s all there is to know.”

CSU parents are ready to get wild this Homecoming, so wild students won’t know what hit them, Light said.

“I might even storm the field during the football game,” Light said. “It honestly depends on where the night takes me.”

Sources last year reported mobs of CSU parents flooding the sidewalks of South Shields Street, toting two suitcases and a six-pack in each hand. According to local traffic cameras, when students tried to engage, several parents attempted to push them off the curb and into oncoming traffic.

When asked about the situation, Light sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Snowflakes,” Light said. “Does no one know how to party anymore?”

Aside from shouting expletives such as, “You’re no better than a Buff,” and “Bite me, buzzkill,” parents may be seen shoving and dumping drinks on their children who tell them to stop or walk a couple paces behind in embarrassment.

In place of rental cars, fleets of parents might take to College Avenue via Spin scooters, refusing to ride in the bike lane as they did last year and clogging traffic for 50 minutes.

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Several parents have even been seen sitting in on classes and shouting random answers to questions nobody asked. When politely asked to leave, one father last year said that he was older than the professor’s mother and that nobody taught real math anymore.

Even the Intramural Fields became a battlefield last year. Injured students flailed across the patchy grass like wounded soldiers. Flag football players held their twisted ankles with a parent looming above, crumpled flag clutched in their fist. Spikeball fanatics were blanketed in dirt and blood, driven to the ground by a parent’s nasty pocket shot. And one unsuspecting volleyball player was drilled in the eye by the merciless spike of a 50-year-old. CSU club sport injuries last year totaled more than those of the football team.

This is undoubtedly going to be a Homecoming weekend that nobody will expect, considering it is a showdown year. Everyone wants to run toward their parents with open arms, not run away from them as they stampede to the fraternities.

Don’t make the same mistake and assumption of a fun, lighthearted parent weekend and Homecoming, especially after last year’s reports. Safety is a priority even for those whose parents don’t visit. If a mom or dad gets too into that rage cage, just take a deep breath and walk away.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.

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