Seriously

Seriously: CSU’s best tradition? Being bad at football

Dylan Tusinski • October 3, 2021

If you ask any Colorado State University student, scroll through any CSU meme page, or even just go to a CSU football game for yourself, you'll find a common theme: everyone is disappointed with our school's football team. Our football season has been rough so far. Between upset losses, failed comebacks and awful defense, we've struggled to a 1-3 start this year. It's really no surprise, though, since the team hasn't had a winning season since 2017. To put it bluntly, CSU students have just gotten used to sucking at football.

Why watching tons of porn is bad for you

Cat Blouch • September 26, 2021

This past week, chalk messages at the Lory Student Center have sparked many heated conversations at the Opinion Desk — none of them as polarizing as the debate over porn. So, we’re taking this one to the streets to finally resolve this heated discussion once and for all.

Why watching tons of porn is good for you

Dylan Tusinski • September 26, 2021

The Plaza leading up to the Lory Student Center is almost always filled with chalk messages. The constant barrage of ephemeral advertising from religious organizations, student groups, and various political campaigns makes it hard to notice any of the chalk messages in particular, since there's just so damn many of them.

Seriously: How to hide your pet from your landlord

Cody Cooke • September 20, 2021

If you’re anything more than a cold-blooded sociopath, you likely have some sort of pet living with you. Some of you might be lucky enough to live in a place that is welcoming to your animal companion. (Be honest, does it help pay the rent? Mine is a freeloader.)

Seriously: The microchip in my vaccine is malfunctioning

Bella Eckburg • September 13, 2021

Early last week I finally reached full-immunity against the original COVID-19 strain, and you can’t even imagine how excited I was. I have been researching everything there is to know about this virus on 4chan, and the knowledge that I could now fight it inside my body was game-changing. 

Seriously: CSU to add multiple roundabouts across campus

Dylan Tusinski • September 6, 2021

Colorado State University's administration prides itself on its ability to listen to its students. Which is why when students began calling for the University to renovate the Clark building, fix the cracked brick sidewalks on the plaza and install air conditioning into the University's dorms, CSU decided to roll up its sleeves and put its construction team to work.

Seriously: The essentials for a college party

Cat Blouch • September 1, 2021

Classes are back in person and students are finally roaming the campus again. This return to in-person activities means that we can finally go back to dry humping each other in hot, dimly lit, poorly cleaned, musty frat basements again.

Seriously: Why you should talk to everyone tabling on The Plaza

Dylan Tusinski • August 19, 2021

Every fall, the Colorado State University campus undergoes a familiar annual routine. The freshmen fill the dorms, the Clark Building becomes even more dilapidated and, most importantly, tabling returns to The Plaza.

Seriously: The Fort Collins mattress store drug ring revealed

Cody Cooke • April 1, 2021

For the past several weeks, The Unprecedented Times investigated dramatic drug busts and cover-ups connected to Northern Colorado’s endless proliferation of mattress stores. Now, thanks to the contribution...

CAM the Ram advocates for geese as mayor of Uncanny Valley

Abby Vander • April 1, 2021

Students on Colorado State University’s campus are noticing that their beloved CAM the Ram has been looking a bit different lately.  While in past semesters CAM appeared in Ram form, this semester...

The best social norms to break on campus

Cat Blouch • March 31, 2021

In the times of the COVID-19 pineapple, all we have left is chaos. Instead of trying to grasp the passage of time or make sense of the utter insanity, it’s better to just give into the fact that...

463 CSU geese test positive for COVID-19

Dylan Tusinski • March 31, 2021

After a push to have all members of the Colorado State University community get weekly COVID-19 tests, the University announced that 463 geese tested positive for COVID-19. "Well, we knew we'd see...