Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

If you’re anything more than a cold-blooded sociopath, you likely have some sort of pet living with you. Some of you might be lucky enough to live in a place that is welcoming to your animal companion. (Be honest: Does it help pay the rent? Mine is a freeloader.)

The rest of you, however, probably live under the despotic watch of a landlord that does not allow pets of any kind in their building — probably because their mommy ran over their hamster right in front of them in second grade. If you live somewhere like that now or are about to move into a place like that, then here’s some advice for how to hide your pet from that trauma-stunted landlord.

If potentially suffocating/overdosing your tiny pet goes against your own morals, then you can either reevaluate your beliefs or place them safely in the wall, where they can move around sober and safe.”

If your pet is small (birds, mice, chipmunks abducted from Rocky Mountain National Park, etc.), then you have it the easiest. Tiny pets can be stuffed into pillows, under couch cushions or even into your purse, right under the emergency White Claw Hard Seltzer and keychain mace. When the landlord shows up for your payment, your pocket-sized friend can remain safely out of sight — just slip them some melatonin if they tend to be noisy.

If potentially suffocating or overdosing your tiny pet goes against your own morals, then you can either reevaluate your beliefs or place them safely in the wall, where they can move around sober and safe. If your landlord hears something, suggest your place is haunted and you might get a discount.

Bigger pets such as dogs, deer or cousins of CAM the Ram will require a little more work. These guys not only take up more space but also leave a more noticeable footprint in your apartment, which, if you’re a college student, is probably as spacious as Joe Biden is lucid — just enough to function but not enough for comfort.

Poop where they poop and pee where they pee. Your landlord won’t be able to smell the animal and will limit interaction with you as much as possible, so it’s a win-win.”

The surest but most difficult way to slip your big pets past your landlord is to put them on the lease as your sibling. You’ll need to train them to wear clothes, walk on two legs and, preferably, hold a conversation. If your landlord questions anything, train your “sibling” to run away in tears, and then threaten to sue your landlord for emotional damages.

This is the hardest method, since I know most of you are too lazy to even teach yourselves how to hold a conversation. So an alternative method could be to cover up your pet’s footprint. Poop where they poop and pee where they pee. Your landlord won’t be able to smell the animal and will limit interaction with you as much as possible, so it’s a win-win.

Another way to hide your pet that is less prone to unforgivable stains would be to blend them in with your apartment furniture. The easiest choice might be to disguise your pet as taxidermy. Invent a detailed story of how you killed it, and keep the weapon you did it with nearby as proof.

If that also disagrees with your personal beliefs (work with me, you pathetic moralist), then you can explain how it’s the body of your pet that you had stuffed after it died. You’ll need to shed a tear for this one, so practice your performance beforehand. Thinking about the assignments you haven’t turned in yet can be a good catalyst.

If your pet is any bigger than the average deer, then I can’t help you. Go back to the zoo where you and your beast belong, you irresponsible Steve Irwin wannabe. 

Cody Cooke can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CodyCooke17.