The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
February 28, 2024

With the development of the online shopping market, SEO has become a crucial factor in driving targeted traffic and increasing sales. Effective...

Seriously: How to hide your pet from your landlord

Graphic of a silhouetted head with raised eyebrows with text that says "Seriously by the Collegian"
(Graphic illustration by Colin Crawford | The Collegian)

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

If you’re anything more than a cold-blooded sociopath, you likely have some sort of pet living with you. Some of you might be lucky enough to live in a place that is welcoming to your animal companion. (Be honest: Does it help pay the rent? Mine is a freeloader.)

Ad

The rest of you, however, probably live under the despotic watch of a landlord that does not allow pets of any kind in their building — probably because their mommy ran over their hamster right in front of them in second grade. If you live somewhere like that now or are about to move into a place like that, then here’s some advice for how to hide your pet from that trauma-stunted landlord.

If potentially suffocating/overdosing your tiny pet goes against your own morals, then you can either reevaluate your beliefs or place them safely in the wall, where they can move around sober and safe.”

If your pet is small (birds, mice, chipmunks abducted from Rocky Mountain National Park, etc.), then you have it the easiest. Tiny pets can be stuffed into pillows, under couch cushions or even into your purse, right under the emergency White Claw Hard Seltzer and keychain mace. When the landlord shows up for your payment, your pocket-sized friend can remain safely out of sight — just slip them some melatonin if they tend to be noisy.

If potentially suffocating or overdosing your tiny pet goes against your own morals, then you can either reevaluate your beliefs or place them safely in the wall, where they can move around sober and safe. If your landlord hears something, suggest your place is haunted and you might get a discount.

Bigger pets such as dogs, deer or cousins of CAM the Ram will require a little more work. These guys not only take up more space but also leave a more noticeable footprint in your apartment, which, if you’re a college student, is probably as spacious as Joe Biden is lucid — just enough to function but not enough for comfort.

Poop where they poop and pee where they pee. Your landlord won’t be able to smell the animal and will limit interaction with you as much as possible, so it’s a win-win.”

The surest but most difficult way to slip your big pets past your landlord is to put them on the lease as your sibling. You’ll need to train them to wear clothes, walk on two legs and, preferably, hold a conversation. If your landlord questions anything, train your “sibling” to run away in tears, and then threaten to sue your landlord for emotional damages.

This is the hardest method, since I know most of you are too lazy to even teach yourselves how to hold a conversation. So an alternative method could be to cover up your pet’s footprint. Poop where they poop and pee where they pee. Your landlord won’t be able to smell the animal and will limit interaction with you as much as possible, so it’s a win-win.

Another way to hide your pet that is less prone to unforgivable stains would be to blend them in with your apartment furniture. The easiest choice might be to disguise your pet as taxidermy. Invent a detailed story of how you killed it, and keep the weapon you did it with nearby as proof.

If that also disagrees with your personal beliefs (work with me, you pathetic moralist), then you can explain how it’s the body of your pet that you had stuffed after it died. You’ll need to shed a tear for this one, so practice your performance beforehand. Thinking about the assignments you haven’t turned in yet can be a good catalyst.

If your pet is any bigger than the average deer, then I can’t help you. Go back to the zoo where you and your beast belong, you irresponsible Steve Irwin wannabe. 

Ad

Cody Cooke can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CodyCooke17.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover
About the Contributor
Cody Cooke, Opinion Director
Cody Cooke is the director of the opinion desk for The Collegian and has worked for the newspaper since December 2019. He is a senior studying English and history with a concentration in creative writing. Cooke joined the opinion desk as a consistent way to sharpen his writing and to get involved with other student writers. He began as a columnist and remained a regular writer for more than a year before moving into his director position. He sees opinion writing as a rich and important combination of argumentation and journalism — a way to present facts that goes beyond objective reporting and makes a point. He also sees it as one of the most accessible platforms for any writer to start building a career. Working at The Collegian has taught him to be accountable and responsible for his own work while being proud of creating something worth sharing to a large audience. While not always easy, Cooke's time at The Collegian has been one of the most constructive and satisfying experiences of his collegiate career. 

Hey, thanks for visiting Collegian.com!
We’d like to ask you to please disable your ad blocker when looking at our site — advertising revenue directly supports our student journalists and allows us to bring you more content like this.

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *