Seriously

Seriously: CSU student is convinced her roommate is a vampire

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • February 26, 2024

Most people never think that horror movies can come to life. Stories about ghosts and monsters are simply tales to scare us. The idea of monsters being real is too far-fetched for anyone to give it a second thought.

Seriously: CSU’s newest fraternity is abstinence only

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • February 12, 2024

It is almost guaranteed that at least one Colorado State University fraternity will be throwing a party each weekend. CSU’s new abstinence frat is no different. Their door is always open to make friendship bracelets and play Just Dance.

Seriously: Student loses hard work moments before deadline

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • January 30, 2024

Professors recommend that students never leave an important assignment until the last minute. But who listens to those ridiculous suggestions? Marvin Dent, a physics Ph.D. student at Colorado State University, is now wishing that maybe he hadn't called those suggestions ridiculous.

Seriously: Ram-cademy awards: Here’s what CSU won

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • January 22, 2024

The academy award season has taken over America. With the Emmys and Golden Globes ceremonies out of the way it is now time for the Oscars to step in.  

Seriously: Founding Fathers take over Fort Collins voting day

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • November 8, 2023

If you spot flowing white locks and a trenchcoat around town, it’s not your philosophy professor — it’s just James Madison. This past election day, unsuspecting Fort Collins locals reported several packs of wig-wearing, stocking-clad individuals at various voting sites across the city. They were later identified as the Founding Fathers.

Seriously: Campus safety in question as squirrels take over

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • November 6, 2023

It is advised that students stay away from campus for the foreseeable future. Safety has been compromised by a serious threat. And anyone who tries to come to campus could be in imminent danger. Please remain indoors until the threat has been dealt with by the local authorities.

Seriously: Expect these Halloween costumes this year

McKenna Van Voris, Collegian Columnist • October 26, 2023

For a lot of people, finding a popular costume that is fashionable can be a struggle. But if you want to know what the crowd has planned for this Halloween, make sure you get your hands on one of these highly sought-after costumes before they’re sold out in stores. 

Seriously: 5 ways to tell your roommate to fill the Brita

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 18, 2023

Most of us know that roommate life has its perks — split rent, constant companionship, a brotherhood or sisterhood or whatever you like to call it — but along with sharing a room comes sharing commodities: a joint fridge, toilet paper that runs out twice as fast and, if you really like the person, maybe even a comb with the loving entanglement of both your hairs. Living with another person is an adjustment. But none of these lifestyle adjustments come close to sharing the demon that is the Brita filter.

Seriously: Top things to avoid this Homecoming weekend

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • October 11, 2023

Homecoming season has officially descended upon Colorado State University. Alumni, faculty and students alike are gearing up for a week of traditional celebrations, sporting events and school spirit. Homecoming week is the highlight of the fall semester for many in the Fort Collins area.

Seriously: New study reveals the biology of a true Ram

Ivy Secrest, Content Managing Editor • October 11, 2023

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s...

Seriously: Parents return to their roots during Homecoming

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 10, 2023

The last thing I expected when Mom stepped off the plane was the half barrel keg sloshing behind her.

Seriously: CDC announces sleeveless shirts as new frat flu symptom

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 3, 2023

As the leaves begin to turn and the temperatures begin to drop this upcoming week, preventing the October sicknesses that plague campus is of utmost importance. For those who frequent the Colorado State University fraternities, however, another symptom is just on the horizon, sweeping across the solo-cup masses.