Steve Addazio has had a rough start to his tenure as the Colorado State football team’s head coach. Whether it was the scathing claims made by The Coloradoan, the subsequent departmentwide investigation or the fact that season one of the Addazio-era garnered just one win for the program, it hasn’t been the smoothest of sailing so far for the new head coach. 

But as the winds of change indicate the potential for a full fall football season packed with the Ram faithful, Addazio is energized to be starting anew, especially as he reveals the X-factor he is bringing to the field in an effort to unify the university’s athletic department and administration. 

In an interview with The Unprecedented Times, Addazio has revealed that he recruited Joyce McConnell, the president of Colorado State University, in the offseason to fill the team’s running back void. After months of waiting, McConnell finally signed a letter of intent to join the Rams this fall season.

“It was really a no-brainer to bring McConnell onboard,” Addazio said. “We’ve all seen her skills in writing emails, and I always thought the explosive and consistent output she brings to the keyboard could easily be transferred to the field.”

It is hard to fully judge a team’s ground game in just the four games seen in the 2020 season, but the Colorado State program has certainly struggled to find a perennial running back in years past. Addazio believes that a heightened atmosphere of competition will breed the dominant rushing offense he has been pursuing.

“Initially, it was just an offer to increase the buzz around the fall season,” Addazio said. “But then McConnell started showing up to practice, and not only could she play, but she was very quickly establishing herself as a competitor among the running back core.” 

Now that McConnell has committed, Addazio is less concerned about this secret getting leaked to other conference rivals. During her early practices, McConnell’s appearances at practices were so heavily guarded that the tales of film surrounding these practices have become somewhat mythical. That being said, on all accounts, these tapes showcase McConnell’s raw potential at the position. 

“Man, if any of these other teams got a hold of that tape, she would probably have been in a power-five conference before Easter,” Addazio said. 

Off the field, there is no ceiling to the benefits of having a university leader occupy a position in the office and on the gridiron. McConnell will be able to directly impact the climate within the football program, but according to her, this will be done entirely through her play. 

“I am the first female president of CSU, so I have absolutely no issues being the first woman to absolutely level opposing defensive lines in the Mountain West,” McConnell said. 

When McConnell takes the field for the first time this fall, she will be the first member of a university administration to oversee a school and play for one of its athletic programs. Does this establish McConnell as the most involved, and perhaps most imposing, president to ever occupy office? 

When asked, McConnell had a simple answer. 

“I never saw Tony Frank run an Oklahoma, so I think that answers your question.”

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The Unprecedented Times reporter Skeez Knees can be reached at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @scott_nies98.