What if fictional sports teams and players matched up?

Scott Nies

The beloved feel-good sports movie “Remember the Titans” celebrated the 20th anniversary of its release on Tuesday. Personally, it is one of my all-time favorite movies, and it got me thinking how the T.C. Williams squad would match up against other football teams from various sports movies.

Then, in the spirit of procrastination, I began to think of how teams and players from a wider range of sports across the film universe would stack up against each other and found myself down a rabbit hole of mindless fictional sports statistics.

Ad

I will probably miss quite a few possible high-profile matchups between teams throughout the sports movie world, but the ones below are just some that I thought would be hilarious to watch.

I must mention that the T.C. Williams Titans is a real high school team and thus has real football stats from their 1970-71 season.

In the name of fairness — because that is, of course, what matters the most when comparing teams that are fictional — all competitions will be based purely off of information gained from the movies, not the real-life inspiration.

The T.C. Williams Titans (“Remember the Titans”) vs. South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs (“The Waterboy”)

On one side, you have the defensive duo of All-American linebacker Gerry Bertier and defensive end Julius Campbell. They were the fire that fueled the T.C. Williams squad and ultimately resulted in a Virginia state high school championship.

On the other side of the field, there is really only one name from the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs’ roster that matters, and that is linebacker Bobby Boucher. According to Fantasy Labs, he recorded an NCAA record of 16 sacks in his first ever football game against West Mississippi.

With Boucher coming down field, most quarterbacks would be in for a world of hurt. But let’s remember Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass, the California transfer on the T.C. Williams squad.

Bass was forced to come in when the T.C. Williams’ starting quarterback broke his wrist. In a moment of offensive rejuvenation, Bass decided to let the opposing all-state nose guard run straight into the pocket before flipping him — a moment that all quarterbacks dream about recreating.

YouTube video posted by coachhome, originally an excerpt from “Remember the Titans.”

Boucher is a different animal; he is 31 years old in the film, and that type of defensive production is unparalleled. Bass may be able to flip Boucher the first time, but no way could he sustain that type of bombardment for a full game.

Ad

Verdict: Mud Dogs beat the Titans and total points scored in the game is under 15. Boucher records more sacks than his team scores points. SCLSU is also a college team, and no matter how confident T.C. Williams is, it is hard to rationalize a high school team beating a collegiate one. 

Monstars (“Space Jam”) vs. Flint Tropics (“Semi-Pro”)

When you think of the cultural phenomenon that is “Space Jam,” fans are instantly drawn to the incredible underdog story of Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny and the Tune Squad. For the purposes of this article, suspend that admiration, and instead think of one of the juiced up Monstars dunking on Will Ferrell.

The “Harvard Sports Analysis Collective” blog has compiled an in-depth look into the puzzling box score of the Monstars’ game against the Tune Squad. For our purposes, this analysis provides great insight into the insane scoring trends the Monstars exhibited.

Will Ferrell’s character, Jackie Moon, is the Flint Tropics’ starting power forward. Pound, the gargantuan orange Monstar, would be his opposite position.

The Harvard Sports blog said that Pound recorded 37 points on 16 field goals in the Tune Squad game; this includes five 3-point dunks, which is absolutely cartoonish.

Per Moon’s basketball trading card, according to him, “Free throws are like, the best facet of my game.”

3-point dunks or free throws — make your own connection on that one.

In “Semi-Pro,” the Flint Tropics play their last season right before the American Basketball Association and the National Basketball Association merged in 1976. Unfortunately for them, they can’t take a page out of the Tune Squad’s book and kidnap Michael Jordan, as his first season in the NBA was not until 1984.

With zero inside defensive presence to protect against some huge space aliens, the Tropics are in for a long day of being demoralized at the rim.

Verdict: Monstars beat the Tropics handedly, but Moon flops, drawing a shooting foul, and showcases his free throw shooting prowess.

YouTube video posted by roxgod666, originally an excerpt from “Semi-Pro.”

The Sandlot Kids (“The Sandlot”) vs. The Benchwarmers (“The Benchwarmers”)

This is maybe my favorite of the matchups listed today because, in an alternate world, it might have been the most likely to occur.

The Benchwarmers only play kid’s little league teams throughout the entire movie. For the sake of this scenario, imagine that after that summer, all the kids from “The Sandlot” pooled their funds and made an actual little league team.

It also helps that “The Benchwarmers” was filmed in Agoura Hills, California, which is in Los Angeles County. “The Sandlot,” although filmed in Salt Lake City, takes place in Los Angeles in the 1960s. Although separated by roughly 40 years, there would not be any significant travel that would need to occur between the two teams should they find each other on an alternate timeline.

Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez, the naturally gifted short stop who could very well play any position on the field, is without question the best weapon on offense and defense for the Sandlot squad. So much so that his character eventually goes on to have a major-league career with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The Benchwarmers, due to their three-man roster, do not have a short stop, or any infielders for that matter. In the film, they mention the stats on the back of their baseball cards, which really gives insight into the absurd offensive efficiency of this team.

Their most competent player, Gus Matthews, has 30 home runs throughout the film, followed by Richie Goodman with 11 foul ticks and Clark Reedy with a staggering 6 dead birds.

Verdict: A lot of participation medals are given out, and everyone has fun. Both films look to highlight the stupidity of bullying and the importance of sports in bringing people together. If I was guessing, each team throws any type of serious competition out the window and plays a spirited game of pickup baseball to celebrate the game itself.

Scott Nies can be reached at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @scott_nies98.