Jim McElwain hired as University of Colorado’s newest football coach

Keegan Pope

Note: This article is satirical. I have nothing against the University of Colorado or the city of Boulder, only the people that live there. Just kidding about that, too. 

In a shocking turn of events, University of Colorado head football coach Mike MacIntyre was forced to resign after allegedly hitting an elk with his car while driving home from a wine-and-cheese tasting party last week. This incident comes on the heels of a Boulder police officer being sentenced to four years’ probation for illegally killing a trophy elk on Jan. 1, 2013.  

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Former Colorado State head coach Jim McElwain, who accepted a job at the University of Florida in December, will take over as the Buffaloes’ next head coach, citing a need to be back in the Rocky Mountains after the Florida humidity “made him sweat like a nervous pig on a hot summer day.”

After learning of the news of MacIntyre’s accident, Boulder residents, who were preparing for their annual 4/20 festivities later this month, took to the streets with pitchforks and joints in hand as a mob formed and headed for MacIntyre’s residence. Included in the group was former UCLA basketball player and current sweet grass enthusiast Bill Walton.

“Only time will tell the result of this night,” Walton said as he invited riot-goers into his teepee on MacIntyre’s lawn. “One can only hope that the beautiful soul of this once-in-a-lifetime animal is on a bullet train to the magical promised land above. It was 201 years ago today, Beethoven’s Symphony No. 3 in E Flat, which escorted in the age of Romanticism in music. And when I think of this creature, I think of Beethoven and the age of the Romantics.”

MacIntyre, who owns just a 6-18 overall record at CU, including a 1-17 mark in Pac-12 conference play, has been on the hot seat for some time now due to his team’s struggles, as well as their loss to rival and “little brother” CSU last season. The Buffaloes were expected to struggle again next season, playing host to Pac-12 powers Oregon, Stanford, Arizona and Southern California, along with a number of other tough matchups.

“Going forward, we didn’t think Mike was taking this program in the right direction,” CU athletic director Rick George said. “We are ending our series with Colorado State after the 2020 season, and since Coach MacIntyre has played two games against them, we thought it best to separate our program from him as we try to completely get rid of anything having to do with CSU at this university. The fact that he could allow a prestigious football team like ours, that once won a national championship 25 years ago, to lose to that lowly state school was just absolutely unacceptable.”

Which begs the question: if you are trying to rid yourselves of everything having to do with CSU, why would you hire their ex-football coach?

“By offering $2 million of his own money to buy out his contract at CSU, Jim McElwain stated that he has never and will never want anything to do with Colorado State University,” George said, referencing his good friend, CU-Boulder alumnus and Denver Post columnist Mark Kiszla. “If a man is willing to pay that much money to leave a hell-hole like CSU, I want him on my side.”

There have been concerns, however, that McElwain’s “country boy” personality will rub some Boulderites the wrong way, as he refuses to post excessive amounts of rock-climbing pictures on Instagram. He has also stated that he has no interest in purchasing any Patagonia-brand apparel and will not pay the excessive rent in Boulder only to tell his friends in Fort Collins how much better he is than them.

Although it has not been raised yet, another major roadblock to McElwain’s success at Colorado could be his once-weekly routine called, “Peanut Thursdays.” During his early years at CSU, McElwain, frustrated by his team’s grade reports, would allegedly throw peanuts at his dog Clarabelle, something she did not take much of a liking to. Should McElwain’s tradition continue, which it shouldn’t due to the fact that CU is so much more of an elite academic institution than CSU, it’s likely that PETA will receive a firestorm of calls from concerned residents who also believe McElwain’s new 10,000 square foot home doesn’t fit in their neighborhood and should instead be brought down to the same size as everyone else’s, so as not to make anyone feel inferior.

McElwain could not be reached for comment, but did release a statement through the CU sports information department saying that he expects everyone in his organization to “do their job,” and that this is his final destination. He also hopes to maintain his strong relationship with the Mama Roni’s pizza chain in Fort Collins, though the main restaurant could not be reached for comment, as they were out delivering to a number of media members who had surrounded McElwain’s former Fort Collins residence waiting for comment from the new tenants.

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Collegian Sports Editor Keegan Pope can be reached with angry e-mails from Boulder residents at kpope@collegian.com and can be berated by all five of CU’s die-hard fans on Twitter @ByKeeganPope.