A wise man once said, “the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” I said it. On Twitter. It was me. I am wise.

The temperature of the world is not changing. People say all the time that the world is getting hotter and all the ice is melting and we need to stop using gases and whatnot but I don’t agree. Look at Antarctica, for example. If you go to Antarctica—I have several friends in Antarctica, the Antarcticans are great people, fantastic people—there is ice everywhere. It’s yuge. The amount of ice in Antarctica is just bigly. The penguins love that stuff.

The Chinese are fooling us. They are taking our brains and forcing us to believe these lies. Just look at the evidence. It’s right there. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. And they are doing it in partnership with Obama and Crooked Hillary. They’re all in it together, with ISIS. Say it with me: radical Islamic terrorism. And you know how I know? It’s in the emails. I’ve read them. They’re absurd. Just ridiculous.

I’m not trying to sound braggadocious. But these people—they’re out to get us. I mean if you look on any official scientific website ever, they’re talking about it. This climate change stuff, it’s everywhere. And they have no real evidence. These NASA people, they’re saying that “97% of climate scientists agree that climate-warming trends over the past century are very likely due to human activities and most of the leading scientific organizations worldwide have issued public statements endorsing this position.” But forget the facts. Facts don’t matter. I’m right. I’m always right. And that’s a fact.

All I’m trying to say is, forget the evidence that sea levels are rising and the amount of land above water is shrinking. Forget the rise of humidity and temperature over all parts of the world. Forget the fact that sea ice is melting at alarming rates, endangering the lives of every form of life on the planet. Forget the lack of snow cover in the northern hemisphere. Just completely disregard all proven scientific facts because they don’t even matter. Do whatever you want without worrying about consequences. Because what’s the worst that can happen? Fatal air pollution levels? Food shortages? Malaria epidemics? Decreasing amounts of sea ice? Heat waves that threaten human life (by 2030, might I add)? Nah, none of that can happen even though there are overwhelming facts to prove it because facts don’t even matter. But you know what matters? All lives. ALL LIVES MATTER.

With your help we can defeat the Chinese by ignoring their fake problem of global warming. Together we will make America great again. Like a wise man once said, “you know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” It was me. I said it. I am wise.

-AJ Frankson