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CSU to limit race and bias incidents by going online, shutting down campus

In an effort to limit the vast amount of race and bias incidents that have occurred on campus, Colorado State University has shut down its entire campus and moved all of its operations online.

“We had an embarrassing amount of race and bias incidents occurring, and we had to ask ourselves, ‘What can we do to limit these?’” said CSU Race, Bias and Equity Initiative spokesperson Wendy Marquez. “It turns out that incidents can’t occur if we just send everybody home.”

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Marquez remarked that although the CSU Race, Bias and Equity Initiative took its sweet time making changes within the University, it really hit a grand slam when it resolved to send its entire student body back to their respective hometowns.

“I won’t lie; some people think that we really twiddled our thumbs on this one,” said CSU President Joyce McConnell. “But I think we really made up for it when we shut down the entire University and moved the whole operation online.”

She added that, originally, there were a couple of different avenues for moving forward with the initiative, but after much deliberation, it was decided the simplest option was to simply banish the student body as a whole.

“As far as strategy, this was an outstanding move,” said senior biology major Tanner Lewis. “Students can’t wear blackface in the dorm rooms if there aren’t any students living in the dorm rooms.”

CSU’s decision to move online comes during a rather advantageous time. Because some of the semester was completed, CSU will not be issuing any refunds for students.

Lewis went on to remark that the shutdown was “awfully convenient” for the University and that he couldn’t help but wonder why the University went online only after its drop and withdrawal dates.

“I mean, seriously, what kind of genius thought that up?” Lewis asked. “As a young male, I can personally vouch that nothing turns me on more than paying thousands of dollars for a pile of glorified TED Talks while receiving none of the amenities that I originally paid for.”

Marquez concluded by outlining the plans for CSU during this tumultuous time.

“Moving forward, the entire staff of CSU is just self-isolating and waiting for this to blow over,” Marquez said. “In the meantime, your staff at CSU will continue to pretend to be Scrooge McDuck, stripping down naked and diving headfirst into thousands of dollars of your tuition money.”

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Marshall Dunham can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @gnarshallfunham.

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