Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the...
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• September 10, 2024
On Aug. 14, student tickets went live for the upcoming Colorado State University sport seasons. With football and volleyball tickets becoming available, students were ecstatic to claim their tickets for the home games. Despite the numerous home games to look forward to, students had their eyes on one game: the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Having been hosted at CU Boulder last year, CSU students are excited to show their ram pride at Canvas Stadium for the biggest football game of the season.
Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist
• April 29, 2024
Over a dozen plaintiffs are coming forward and suing online shopping forum Temu for $420 million after allegedly getting unintentionally lobotomies by headsets manufactured and sold by the company. Temu’s new virtual reality goggles gave plaintiffs both partial and full lobotomies to users who bought the goggles to try and save some money.
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• April 16, 2024
Looking to fulfill those pesky All-University Core Curriculum credit requirements? Well, there are now more options for students who are still in need of arts and humanities credits. Colorado State University students registering for the fall 2024 semester are now able to sign up for the newest foreign language class BS 420: Swearing Across Languages.
If you see kids around campus asking for a Happy Meal, they’re not asking about weed brownies. They just want McDonald's. The obnoxious construction going on around the Andrew G. Clark Building is driving students mad. With their daily walks to class rerouted, many have reported closing their eyes at night and hearing jackhammers. But what they don't know is that this renovation actually isn’t a renovation at all. In reality, Colorado State University is building something more ugly, congested and greasy than Clark itself.
Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist
• April 11, 2024
On Wednesday night in Fort Collins, a restaurant packed to the gills with patrons suffered a massive financial loss when a group of 10 individuals flawlessly executed the age-old dine and dash.
Throughout the evening, members of the group would “use the restroom” and then sneak out the front door of the Houver Priced Cuisine establishment. They timed their exits tactfully and spaced them out to not draw suspicion. The first nine had no issues, but pressure rested on the strong shoulders of the last member. If he failed to escape, the plan would collapse, and the group would be forced to pay.
I love seeing your hairy toes peek through flip-flops in March — because that’s totally normal. I adore that you swam in Horsetooth Reservoir last week. Tears of joy seep from my eyes when you tell me your “personality is defrosting” because it’s 65 degrees outside.
It was a typical Wednesday morning — or so I thought. I walked out of my room to broken coffee mugs shattered all over the floor, and none of my roommates were in sight.
Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist
• March 4, 2024
Dear humans: I’d like to start this off by noting that we’ve always had a decent relationship. You've left us to do what we do; we leave you to do the same. If either party encroaches on that line, justified consequences naturally ensue.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• February 29, 2024
Taylor Swift — after much negotiation and two subpoenas — flew from Denver to Fort Collins via her private jet to be interviewed about her carbon emissions with The Collegian.
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• February 26, 2024
Most people never think that horror movies can come to life. Stories about ghosts and monsters are simply tales to scare us. The idea of monsters being real is too far-fetched for anyone to give it a second thought.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• February 12, 2024
It is almost guaranteed that at least one Colorado State University fraternity will be throwing a party each weekend. CSU’s new abstinence frat is no different. Their door is always open to make friendship bracelets and play Just Dance.
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