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Seriously: Newborn baby found in violation of U+2 law

Carrying the crying infant away from his sobbing parents, Compliance Inspector Dale Wood confirmed that newborn Fort Collins resident Tim Little had been found in violation of the city’s “U+2” law.

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“I’m getting so sick of this younger generation coming in and crowding our city,” Wood said. “Just a look at this kid. Not even a week old and he already thinks he’s above the law. We’ve got to show these kids that the rules are the rules.”

Little had been under the care of Maxwell Hammer, his birth father’s step-brother, and Hammer’s godparents, Desmond and Molly Jones. Wood reported that he had received numerous complaints from surrounding neighbors of loud noise and bottles left everywhere. Baby Tim had been acting up as well.

Little’s eviction came after minutes of negotiation with the residents. Hammer reportedly argued that Little should be allowed to stay as his nephew, to which Wood bellowed “not by blood!”

According to Wood, Little has a week to find a new residence or face heavy fines, as it appears that there are no exceptions within the policy for residents who are too young to rent property or talk.

“It’s always unfortunate when this happens,” Wood said. “But you know what they say, ‘sometimes you gotta tear a family apart to keep the city together’.”

At press time, sources were still trying to confirm what Wood meant by “when this happens”.

Collegian Assistant Opinion Editor and Blogger Sean Kennedy can be reached at blogs@collegian.com or on Twitter at @seanskenn. He also hosts a weekly radio show, SUBMERGE, on Sundays from 7-9 p.m. on KCSU Fort Collins. Leave a comment!!

Disclaimer: Seriously is a satire blog, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All articles from Seriously are creations of fiction, and presumably fake publications. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Photos used do not have any connection to the story and are used within the rights of free reuse, as well as cited to the best of our ability. Seriously is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.

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