Seriously: Local cult unsure who to sacrifice at next full moon

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

The meeting is silent. A few members of the seated circle awkwardly shift their weight from one foot to the other and some scratch their heads in the dimly-lit abandoned warehouse.

The awkward loss for words can be attributed to the fact that this local chapter of an exclusive cult just learned something new that has the potential to really shake things up.


“Well, it’s been brought to our attention that the concept of virginity is just that, a concept,” said the cult leader Thomas John Jackson. “With this in mind, as a community, we are struggling with who to sacrifice during the next full moon to satisfy our Dark Lord.”

According to some long-time members, the local group usually manages to find a perfect candidate to sacrifice to the evil spirit of Naqrxaiwdzo.

“It’s not normally too much trouble,” said life-time cult member Sarah Mary Bernstein. “We ask around and find the right person in a week or so, but dangnabit we sure are in a pickle this month.”

Like many old-age institutions, the cult is currently being pressed to modernize its ways but also maintain tradition. Unsure of what to do next, the group is concerned with how to possibly provide Naqrxaiwdzo with the soul of an apparently non-existent being.

“Listen, we get that the systemic and institutionalized oppression against women is problematic for creating an equitable society, and there’s no doubt that the emphasis on virginity has a huge impact maintaining those systems,” said another life-time cult member Richard Paul Baker. “So, under the supreme guidance of Fatherbrothermaster Thomas John Jackson, we’re in the process of finding who to sacrifice next to please Our Dark Lord.”

According to the cult’s official press release, the next human sacrifice will not be chosen based on an outdated patriarchal belief, but rather on the basis of equality for all.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.